Be joyful in hope.

'Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.' - Romans 12:12

That is my favourite verse. I can't say out of the whole bible, because I haven't read the whole bible word for word (shock horror), but it's my favourite so far. 

I'm not sure why, but those words resonate with me. They help me centre my focus when I'm a bit out of sync with myself. There's nothing massively significant in them, just encouragement, which I like. Whatever your views spiritual or not, I think you can take something from them. There is something to be said for pursuing joy, patience, perseverance, honesty, and hope in each day.

Sometimes I think we need to stop needing significant moments to define our lives. We just need to find contentment in the everyday, normality of life.

And so as we hit a new year and 2014 rolls in, I think about those words. Because New Years has so much hype attached to it. 

This new year is going to be 'it': you are finally going to get fit, take up that hobby you've been trying to find the time to do, or travel to that place you've wanted to for so long.

And don't get me wrong, I think it's great to have those. It's important to dream big and to aspire to things. But I think we often get so caught up in that, we forget to celebrate the constants we have in our lives.

Things that don't need changing this year. Celebrate good health and rejoice in the relationships you already have. Be content.

2013 saw some great new friendships form, as well as continued joy in the ones I already have. There was so much happiness spent with loved ones: a fantastic friend's wedding, a return of the lovely Nina from Oz, Jess' trip to Cali (where we'll be joining her soon!), hilarity in Somerset, Wendover woods, Oxford and Chorleywood and... one engagement (at Christmas time!) of which I can't contain the excitement for!! My beautiful friend Susie is getting married to the wonderful Adam, a great couple, both hilarious and just brilliant. I am so pleased and excited for them both!!! It is truly fantastic to have two friends, who I think are the 'bees knees', getting married.

And so I hope that much of the joy and love in 2013, carries forward into 2014 and so on. May we cherish the moments of happiness that we have with our friends and family as we always should.

Last night I had a wonderful time with some friends in Chorleywood. We had a great dinner party, sparklers, games, champers and much laughter. There was no massive expectation over the evening, but I came home content. Filled with happiness because I came back from being with loving, hilarious friends to a warm home, amazing parents and a welcoming bed. 

And so, my New Year's resolutions?

Be content in the everyday.

LIVE in the moment: 'just do it!'

Stop overthinking.

Oh yeh, and try to finish my degree (yikes!)

This year I want to rejoice in the change as well as the constants. Let us remember this year to recognise contentment. To know that we are loved, embrace being happy and truly live.

We brought in the New Year with Pharrell William's song. Enjoy, have a little dance, and of course, a Happy New Year!

Bittersweet rejection

Dealing with rejection is a strange thing to have to tackle in life. You grow up being blasted with slogans of 'if you work hard enough you can be whatever you want to be.' We are given this ideal that we might be someone who could 'change the world'. And so our whole purpose becomes wrapped up in expectation. That to succeed, all you have to do is pay attention, buckle down and you can get there.

But rejection, can come hurtling in out of nowhere, a cruel curball in this process of persuading us to all become world-changers. You can't be this or that because you 'didn't meet the right requirements'/ 'there were too many people for such few places'/ fill in the blank.

And what do you do in the face of rejection? How do you move forward when you are told you are simply not good enough or the 'right person'?

I have faced different rejections in areas that I've not massively cared about or if I'm honest been that good in. There comes a point when you realise you aren't committed/good enough to become a competitive swimmer or a professional flautist or even a ballet dancer. And that's ok, we can't be great at everything we do. But for some reason I've always been relatively confident in my academic ability. And I know that is going to come off boastful, I realise it sounds kind of arrogant. But what I mean is, the nerdy geek thing- for some reason it comes naturally to me. And so I've believed people when they say 'oh that job, easy- you'll totally get it' etc. It seemed the appropriate path for me. Become a career woman, be great at what I do and make a difference in the world. Sure.

It's funny, a couple of days ago whilst chatting with some close friends I said something to the effect of:
'stuff the whole relationship thing, I can't be doing with all that. I'm going to get a job, become a career woman and be a great 'Aunty Jenny' to all your kids.'

I'd just been for an interview and thought I'd aced it. Job in the bag.

Turns out I hadn't. Of the different job applications I've done, I've been through several application process stages and in the end been rejected by pretty much all but of them. Wowzers, if my pride hadn't ever taken a bashing before, it certainly did now. And you know what, it felt like a massive kick in the teeth. Academics/ job stuff, that was my 'thing' - so now what!?

If I'm honest I just retreated and cried and freaked out. The whole extent of my future that I'd been slowly mapping out for myself revolved around staying in Oxford for another year, getting a great job, making good money and learning loads of transferable skills that I could then use for 'good' purposes. Now that 'dream' was shattered, my whole carefully plotted future was ruined.

I clearly did not overreact at all.

It's funny though, because looking back on my life, there are so many different twists and turns that have been carefully implemented so that I get to the right place at the right time. And it is only now, that I can pick myself up, that came from not getting what I thought I wanted for next year and see God's hand in it all*.

I was applying for a job for reasons I have never stood for. I wanted to get lots of money, in order to remain in the place I wanted to be and learn skills I thought I would need for the future. But getting shedloads of money has never been a massive motivation of mine. I'd rather be doing something I'm massively passionate about rather than something that allows me to gives me some sense of 'security', and allows me to consume a bit more of the unnecessary items I desire or already have.

And for me, I think God can sometimes be very clear in the plans he has for me. It just takes me a while to realise it. Plans with a future and a hope, plans that bring prosperity and happiness. And so despite the rejection and the sadness that came with maybe not being able to stay in Oxford for another year, was the amazing offer of a Masters course in London, in something I am passionate about learning.

The big guy upstairs seems to have a good understanding of who I am and what I'm passionate about even if sometimes I don't.

So yes, rejection sucks. In whatever form it takes, jobs, academics, relationships (bleurgh) and more. But for me, I believe there is always something to be learned from rejection. Whether like me, your pride in your capabilities needs to be taken down a few notches or your preconceptions and plans for your own life need adjusting, there is always that silver lining. I know optimism doesn't make it feel better in the moment, I have been pretty frustrated and upset the past few days (my poor family), but in time the successes that develop after the rejection, help it to make sense. I start to view the rejections more positively, that some things I can't control and others I need to loosen my grip on.

I can't control what people's perceptions of me are, I can't make a job description suit me, and I can't assume that just because I work hard and try to have good intentions it'll all work out. Life is flipping messy, and we have to take the good with the bad.

I've been watching Prison Break lately, flipping brilliant. Wentworth Miller is fantastic and I am personally gutted that he is actually 41 (Whaaaat?!) and is gay, sad times Jenny Miller had such a nice ring to it.  But what I really like about it is throughout the whole series, there are so many setbacks. Michael Scofield's life does not turn out the way he probably ever expected, but there are always options and he continously manages to figure out different strategies. Him and his brother always say 'keep the faith' which I love and totally agree with.

Sometimes we just have to keep the faith.

I stumbled across this song the other day and think it's great. It is a good thing to remember how different our plans were when we were younger to what they are now- life is constantly changing. Sometimes we need to loosen our grip and remember we can't control everything, well, at least I know I do.

*I realise that I mention God's plan for me. That is what I believe and feel has made or contributed to the changes in my life. No worries if you don't agree.

Things we never say.

I watched this video the other day:

I love how sassy and hilarious Kid President is, what a great motivator too

Although corn-dogs are horrific and should not be a thing.

Just as this video encourages us to say things more often, it's got me thinking more about the things we never really talk about or say.

And I wonder what it is that means we don't think it is appropriate  or relevant to speak about such things?

It seems to me that so much of our lives is spent trying to be 'ok.' To make sure you let people know that everything is ticking over ok, life is fine, let's move on. BUT how many times has someone said 'how are you?' and in reality you feel absolutely awful, but don't want to lump on them the bad stuff that is hanging over your head and in your mind?

What is the use of this 'happy front'? A protective defence or barrier?

In some ways I think it can be more destructive. 

It's tough but I think it's good to be honest and say when things aren't ok. Be open about it, isn't friendship meant to be a form of support and encouragement in many respects?

I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes it is important to say the things we think are irrelevant/ scary/ awkward, whatever. Maybe it's worth the vulnerability sometimes to just be open and say it (obviously to the right person FYI). Life is fleeting and we all too easily forget that. Call me crazy or too 'touchy feely' but I think words mean something, and to say what you really mean is a strength and shouldn't be brushed off as cheesy.

In the light of that, a few instances this week have almost been more than I could handle. Heartache, worry and fear have reared their ugly heads. But in some divine intervention, I've also been blessed with immense joy, hilarity and laughter. Kind actions and words, that could have gone unsaid have meant an awful lot. 

I am starting to believe that we should start saying the things our hearts tell us to, but our bargaining 'mind conversation' tell us not to. That it's too risky or too silly. I know I've missed out on many opportunities to say things. This week, I was completely floored by a situation and should have worked up the guts to say something  important to a friend in need, but I didn't and I completely regret not saying it in the moment.

I recently read this poem.  I can totally understand why people think love poems like this can be really cheesy and awkward sometimes. But for some reason I really like how intimate, raw and beautiful a poem like this is. I'll leave it to you to decide what you think.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- E. E. Cummings

Maybe this week, say something you don't normally say.  Actively appreciate people this week.

'I have a boyfriend.'

Say Whaaaaat?!

That's a lie, I don't. Well, it depends on how you say it I suppose. And, it illustrates a point.

Timing. 

Growing up you start to realise how careful you have to be when chatting about your friends of different gender. Long gone are the (slightly easier) days when fancying boys was just weird and most of our interactions at our school in Cairo* revolved around playing basketball together or going swimming. Where boy friends were just simply friends who were boys, nothing else.

Nowadays, you have to be a bit more tactful. Life would definitely be so much easier if I could just say, 'yep just hanging out with my girlfriends this morning and then my boyfriends this afternoon'. But, you just can't say that anymore. Time (and growing up) has changed things, boyfriends mean a whole other thing. Speaking about the other gender, you've got to cover all kinds of bases to ensure people know the relationship is platonic- 'Oh he's one of my guy friends /  friend who is a boy / one of the dudes / such a brotherly friend.'

I love this little girl's reaction:

Timing has never been my strong point.

I am always late to everything. I'm that friend. Say come for 8, and I'll be there at 8.30 if you're lucky. I'm the person that you never expect to be on time, and when I am it's often a fluke and I'm probably meant to also be somewhere else. I put it down to over-optimism and bad maths, I think I move faster than I actually can.

But although I am late to things, I often feel like my mind and body are moving really fast all of the time. For instance, recently I've noticed how my brain moves faster than my mouth and when I want to say something funny or succinct, it just doesn't work.

Does anyone else get that? Like I wish in a conversation I could just link my brain to yours. I would be so much more hilarious.

Timing is such a strange thing. When you take it apart, our world works according to timeslots. Small snapshots of days where we are meant to be at certain places, doing specific things and meeting various people. And how weird is it that timing can change everything?

A few of my girl (*space*) friends think I have an odd kind of curse (?) I'm not really sure what you'd call it. But essentially, every time I actually like a person or as they say 'have a major crush-on'... BAM that person then proceeds to go out with someone for the long-term, get engaged or married.

Case in point Ryan Gosling... oh Eva Mendes you lucky woman**.

Whatever, I'd like to think of it as a gift- it's nice to be a weird catalyst in the bringing together of 2 people. My friends think I need to pick different guys, what can you do?

And then I guess, the timing of meeting 'your person,' how odd is that. That this one time, in life you will meet someone who you like, who makes you laugh and you think is awesome AND that person will actually like you back and want to be in a relationship with you. How bizarre and amazing is that? A random couple of people meet and boom: sparks, romance, chocolate... ring.

Despite being late for everything, I am also someone who just wants things to happen fast. I'm not great at waiting around for other people, I just like to make things happen. Be proactive. But other people don't always work like that, and it totally boggles me how we each work and live at our own speed. I wonder if the people we naturally gravitate towards just live life at a similar speed setting to us? Hmm.

In that sense, are we ever really 'off' in our timing, or is it just that we haven't gotten into the same groove with people in the same 'time zone'?

We can worry so much about our timing and in so many different ways. Always trying to be on time, being impatient in wanting life to get a move on, or worry about missing the boat with different life opportunities. Relationships, jobs, living situations are all influenced by time.

How can we not worry about timing??? 

The funny thing is, you can't exactly change it. Unless you're Doctor Who or something (I don't even watch the show so I have no idea if he can actually do that...). Maybe it's just accepting that timing is one of those inevitabilities in life. Time/timing is not our own.

We just have to accept that sometimes we get it right, and sometimes we don't.

Sounds easy enough. I found this and it put a little perspective on things...

* Egypt and Venezuela were the only times I went to mixed schools with my brothers and so actually interacted with boys.

** apparently they may have broken up, there is hope yet.

Oh the Joy!

Today is the end of a string of fabulous evenings and delightful times spent with people who bring me so much JOY.

And I guess this post is just one of great thankfulness, I end this week feeling like I am in a lovely bubble of happiness. Who needs the stresses of final year work or grad scheme applications, hey?

It is to fall into a cycle of thinking about things you need to do, making lists, doing admin, trying to sort out life. But how refreshing is it to just stop, and shut it all off? Just appreciate and embrace doing things for the fun of it!

Flip, it's such a relief to have a life 'shake-it-out.'

So in the style of a '10 things I'm thankful for' post, I wanted to celebrate this week's joys:

1. Lami's 21st. What a babe. From the moment we met in year 7 when I couldn't pronounce your name to our biology classes with the 'minotaur,' you have always been one of my biggest encouragers and best of friends. I thoroughly enjoyed Wednesday evening, I can't believe it's been almost 10 years!

2. St Aldates' winter ball. Cor! A 1920s themed ball, with jazz music, great food and a lot of dancing. I cannot recommend an Aldates' ball enough.

3. Homemade pizza and chocolate mousse evening with some of the girls in college. Absolutely lush!

4. Morning walks with the one and only, Tim Moore. One of the happiest and liveliest people I know, such a pleasure to have him as a flatmate!! He is a 'go to' for fashion advice, let's me babble on about rubbish and take 'arty' photos of him (apologies, that makes me sound like such a creeper, but you get the gist).

5. A cheeky trip home to spend the day with the wonderful Julie Gwyther, aka Mama G. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this woman is. I will never get over how lucky I am to have such a loving, honest and generous Ma. It was a joy to spend the day with her. We went to the Garden Centre, I know- thrilling- but don't diss it until you've been to the Van Hage deli, checked out all of the christmas decorations and homeware. It's a real treat. (Sooo Chorleywood, darling)

6. Finding this online. So. Good.

7. Skyping JK/Krams in California where she is just living the dream. Great to catch up and hear all about her adventures abroad. Watch out for her people, she is going places. 

8. Getting tickets to Worcester Tercentenary Ball-  I am so excited for this! A fabulous evening of champagne, lush food and great music awaits us in summer 2014!!

9. Working in the kitchen and Jules sending me home with the crusts of some loaves of white bread. I realise this is a pretty unusual thing to be excited about, but I LOVE food and I absolutely love the crusts of bread. Thursday was a great day.

10. A night of dancing with some fabulous people. I've said it before and I'll say it again, dancing is one of my favourite things. We laughed, we pulled some great shapes and had so much fun. It is such a joy to have people in my life who make me laugh so much, and who are just simply great. I love it!

Is it possible to be too happy?

Anyway, enough gushing for this week. I've noticed I'm quite a keen and excited person for things, I'm wondering if people get weirded out by my enthusiasm... hmm oh well. They can get over it. 

Needless to say I am absolutely exhausted, I think all of my energy and any 'extrovertedness' I possess has been spent and now I need a night of netflix and tea wrapped up in bed. 

Here's to shaking it out and 'doing your thang'

It's time to get shaking, wiggling and thrusting.

The other day I watched this video:

It's incredibly powerful and an interesting message, but it's also pretty sad isn't it? To think that all this amazing technology at our fingertips which promises to connect us with individuals all over the globe, is the very thing that may contribute to our own feelings of loneliness.

If I'm honest, in a way the video kind of frustrates me, it seems like it touches on yet another possible label for our generation (16 to 20-somethings). And for some reason the collective descriptions for young people today seem to remain generally negative and constantly changing.

We've been labelled as 'Generation me,' individuals who are completely self-centred, concerned with bettering ourselves and forgetting that a world exists beyond our Iphones. Rizzle Kicks have suggested we are a 'Lost generation' where 'reality tv is morphine' and our attention is on every '#trend'.

Young people seen on the streets are described as 'yobs' or 'youths' with some kind of negative connotation attached to both of those words.

We're seen as unruly, wanting more from life than what our parents had, drinking, clubbing, taking drugs and all kinds of other things.

Technology has taken up so much of our time and head space, that there is no longer any room for reality.

And I realise, that it does pick up on truths about society, but it's also kind of disheartening isn't it?! 

In the film, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, there is is this quote:

And in a slightly construed way (bear with me) you can adapt that thought to our generation, and question it: 

Do we accept the labels we think we deserve?

I don't think we should. And I don't want to believe that we should be defeatist and accept this reality that is being perpetuated by the proposition that we are (and are becoming) a 'lonely generation'. 

So a small suggestion? Let's remember to get outside of our technology bubble and just be with people! (I realise it's kind of ironic me writing this on an internet blog, but what-cha gonna do?). 

It's cold and it's wet, BUT there is so much fun to be had if you make the time to go out and have fun.

I say this, because I've spent a long time this week inside reading over graduate scheme /Master's applications, reading about climate model processes (yawn) and feeling quite bored. Today, however,  the wonderful Alesha and I headed out to Zumba. AND IT WAS GOOD. It was REALLY good.

I definitely recommend it to everyone, there were indeed a load of girls and only some boys (ok, only two of them) but that should not put you off (male or female). If you've seen me trying to do a 'booty-shake' like Beyonce, you will know that there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

I even attempted body rolls. That's right. Hips like Shakira.

If you're in Oxford, come along to a Zumba class (I will happily join you), or wherever you are, make time to do some exercise, head out to a cafe or go to a social event. Chances are you'll surprise yourself with how much fun you have and guaranteed you will end up feeling less lonely and more like a normal (maybe slightly embarrassed, if you're doing the hip thrusting in Zumba) human being.

I wish we still played with yo-yos

Do you remember that phase when you were younger when everyone was obsessed with yo-yos? I was in year 3/4 and we absolutely loved it at school, my brother and I used to practice at home (Alex don't deny that, you know we did).

But sadly, one day too many 'round-the-worlds' ended up with a few girls visiting the school nurse, ensuring that our favourite hobby was soon banned. It was gutting, if only we'd stuck to just 'walking the dog' no one would have got hurt.

I've been feeling like things in life have been a bit 'yoyo-ey' at the moment (yes I just created a word).

There have been some real joys:

• I've been lucky to enjoy some great achievements like conquering a fear of singing in front of people, heading along to St Aldate's worship band recruitment night and being fortunate to be asked to join the team!
• I've been challenged with and succeeded in giving several presentations or talks to do with academic work as well as Just Love. 
• Being on the student team and helping out Jules in the kitchen at church has been so much fun. 
• I've been so lucky to hang out with friends, old and new. I am so grateful for the group of friends who support me and love me, and are just hilarious. In a couple of weeks time we are going on a night out which promises to be wonderful.
• Last week Beks and Nina came to visit, what a lovely pair:

• And of course, a couple dreams came true in seeing John Mayer speak at the Oxford Union as well as see him perform his last UK concert in Wembley last weekend. Phenomenal.

Yet, a few 'downs' have also been around (Grr):

• The constant effort of trying to apply to graduate schemes and masters programmes, and not knowing where I am going to be next year or what I am going to be doing is flipping stressful!
• I also managed to crash into a man with my bike. He stepped out into the road without looking and I was going full pelt. Amazingly, he managed to stay standing (what a tank!) and was totally fine whilst I fell off and my poor bike (Jim) has had to be put to rest, all concave and unrideable. 
• I've not been sleeping so well, which is on and off, but I'm hoping my insomnia does not return!

(...and a few other bits that I won't go on moaning about!)

However, despite this range of good and bad, I have started to notice a real sense of peace in the day to day. It seems that the more hectic and confusing life seems to become, the more I am learning to deal with just 'living'. I think we can get so caught up in the 'doing' and the events or dramas that occupy our lives that we can be overwhelmed and overcome with everything. But we are called human beings, so surely in our very nature, aren't we sometimes meant to just 'be'?

I've been thinking about so many things I need to do/say/write/attend etc. but these past couple of days I've become so aware of actively choosing to be content. To accept that life is busy, it has its ups and downs, but sometimes for your own sanity you have to choose to cast your worries aside and find that constant sense of joy.

In light of my massive music-crush on John Mayer, it's probably appropriate to post this song. He said he wrote it when lots was going on in his life and every line he just wanted to speak over himself and declare. I loved that, and agree with him! Let's not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. (And yes, to all you lovable, nerdy christians I just stole that quote from the bible).