Kisses- seeking a bit of clarity.

Have you ever thought about how many ‘grey areas’ there are in life? Or how people perceive certain situations and events, differently?

I’ve been hit lately by how many instances I take to mean one thing and think that’s how everyone views about them, then actually realised we each have our own, separate idea of what’s going on. Sorry that sounds a bit cryptic.

Let me explain. An example I’ve been thinking about lately involves communication. In this day and age, texting people is huge. I rarely ever call people because texting seems more acceptable, and calling people just seems like I need to have something urgent to say to them.

But texting people is a MASSIVE GREY area. Why? Well largely because of the ‘sign off.’ Now this may come as a shock to you (men), but ~90% of girls (well pretty much all the girl friends I know) struggle with and will think about the ‘Xs’ you put (or don’t put) after a text. I have no idea how it got this far, believe me.

How a girl sees it:

Do you just put one X to everyone? Do you send an ‘X’ to boys who are your friends? And what if a boy texts you and puts more than one? Surely he’s just over friendly, or maybe he’s into you, right?!

 If he doesn’t put anything, he just wants to be friends. Obviously.

And girls, texting girls. Just to prove how much I love you I am going to fill your text with kisses so there’s more kisses than words. Because, babes, you're worth it.

Now, having said that, I’m not claiming innocence of ‘X-analysis.’ I have indeed tried (and failed) to decipher that code. BUT it drives me nuts. I can’t believe the whole sending ‘X’s after texts is an actual thing.

There’s been more grey areas that I’ve been struggling with lately, namely things to do with relationships and the whole going out for coffee/ lunch/ drinks and the friend/ potential interest barrier. It’s all very complex! But I’ve yet to decide my stance on them. If you know me personally, then feel free to ask me what my thoughts on them are, I‘d definitely love to get more people’s opinions on them. 

The whole clarity thing is hard. We want to know what we mean to people, where we stand in friendships (or relationships) and where we’re headed. Yet sometimes it can be so hard to read, things are often way more complicated because of two different minds and hearts being involved. And although it’s the grey areas that are the most frustrating and confusing, it’s also what adds interest and mystery into our lives. We can’t know everything.

For someone who likes to be pretty open and honest as much as possible, this revelation makes me a bit uneasy. I like knowing where I stand and letting people know where they stand with me so that we can both feel comfortable. I hate people feeling uncomfortable around me. Yet, I still have areas of uncertainty with my friends or relatives where I’m not sure where I stand. Which in all honesty is a bit pants.

Anyway, although I may not be able to clear up all of the unknowns, and I know, I know one step at a time, but with regards to the kisses issue… I feel challenged to be intentional in the ‘X’s department.

From now on I won’t send an X to anyone, bar maybe my family. Not because I don’t love you or like you any less, but because you should (hopefully) have some idea of where I stand with you,  and if you don’t please feel free to chat with/ask me- don’t read into the lack of ‘X’s!

oh and just to lighten up your day/ week, google swimming pigs. You won't regret it. 

FYI: I LOVE PIGS.

'Resolve'

So I've been reading a bit of poetry lately...

Woah.Let’s just back up a second. I've always thought it sounds a bit 'ooh la la' when people say they read poetry, I think because I always imagine someone reading a book of poems out loud with a glass of scotch in one hand, sitting in a massive armchair, wearing a dressing gown.

…so I feel I need to contextualise this a bit for you.

I just got back from a lush week away in Portugal, spending quality time with the rents, playing golf, running on the beach, drinking wine and eating yum food. I relaxed to the max which was great and much needed.

However, coming home, the work I am doing for my dissertation has not magically disappeared, but somehow grown into a massive fun-eating beast. So Monday morning saw me hitting the books on pensions, staring at Microsoft Excel trying to figure out how it wants to work and starting data entry. 

Evidently, the stuff of dreams.

As is usual, I have decided to break up this slog with 'Netflix breathers' aka find a show on Netflix and commit until you've finished the entire episode list. (The Hills, Sons of Anarchy and *cringe* The Vampire Diaries have all been subjected to this). Currently, I am watching Being Erica , it's not the best TV (at all) but it passes the time. Anyway, the series is about this woman who is undergoing this kind of therapy where she can be transported back in time to particular regrets she has, and see what happens when she actively changes them. 

Regret has always been a haunting feeling for me. You know the sayings 'no regrets' or 'live in the moment'? They're all great to make you do something at a particular time, but in reality, sometimes we make decisions or act on impulses that totally lead to massive regrets later on in life. E.g. The summer of year 7 when I decided to use 'sun in' in my hair, going for the 'golden blonde' look and ending up a shade of ginger that suits no one. It lasted for about 10 months before my hair fully grew out. Fair, it is kind of funny now, but at the time it sucked.

I've been thinking about my other regrets lately, and if I'm honest have at points got a bit freaked out or felt down because of things I wish I'd done or said. I think my biggest regrets centre on two things: taking people for granted too much and not embracing challenges and fears more. I wish sometimes I'd have followed my gut or instincts. Made a choice to do something crazy or something I really loved, rather than feel confined and restricted to make a certain "acceptable" decision. 

Sometimes it feels like each 'life' choice you can make e.g.what degree, dissertation or job, massively limits the pathways that you can then take in the future.

I'm currently trying to choose whether to do a Masters or interview for a job that I've been asked to apply for or do something entirely different. Do I stay in Oxford? Do I move to London or go abroad? Which one will get me to where I want to be in 10 years? Where on Earth do I want to be in 10 years? - Crikey, a lot of decisions ay?!

And what is making me feel claustrophobic and unsure, is that I can't stand that feeling of regret. I don't want to make a bad decision (who does?!). So I've done a classic Jenny Gwyther move- acknowledge the issue, think about it, but do nothing. I know, great plan right?! 

What a wally. It never works.

But you know what? All of the regrets I have had, I do get over them (eventually). And yes I don't always forget them (being ginger was an eye opener), but you can't redo the past. 

Regret doesn't help you move forward. I am not getting anywhere. 

So, I've decided I need to embrace this head on. As of now, I commit to facing the hard decisions and making choices AND accepting the consequences. We'll see how that goes...

Oh, and the poetry? Ever heard of Ella Wheeler Wilcox? you might recognise her poem Solitude, it is brilliant. She's fast become my favourite poet after I did some googling on regret and found this poem 'resolve' below.

Enjoy.

RESOLVE

Build on resolve, and not upon regret,
The structure of thy future. Do not grope
Among the shadows of old sins, but let
Thine own soul’s light shine on the path of hope
And dissipate the darkness. Waste no tears
Upon the blotted record of lost years,
But turn the leaf, and smile, oh! smile, to see
The fair white pages that remain for thee.

Prate not of thy repentance. But believe
The spark divine dwells in thee: let it grow.
That which the unpreaching spirit can achieve,
The grand and all creative forces know;
They will assist and strengthen as the light
Lifts up the acorn to the oak-tree’s height.
Thou hast but to resolve, and lo! God’s whole
Great universe shall fortify thy soul. 

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"Truth be told..."

-"In all honesty…"

-"Truthfully-"

I’ve been thinking about these phrases lately and how I often I begin a sentence with them. Why do we do that? Shoudn’t we be being honest all the time? Of course, that’s the goal and that’s what we are (hopefully) taught to do. But aren’t there times when lying comes in handy?

Exhibit A:

Girl 1, with very big eyebrows: “Urgh look at my eyebrows I’m going all mono-brow. Life sucks. Everything sucks" 

Girl 2: " Shush you. Your eyebrows are beaut!"

In this instance, lying surely makes sense. No one wants to be told, “yep you’re eyebrows look like hairy slugs attached to your forehead". Surely lying has its perks ey?

BUT, it’s amazing how small lies can pick up momentum, outweighing truths we’ve held onto our whole lives and shattering beliefs, relationships and aspirations.

I’ve been in Oxford working on my dissertation and when work has been slow I have been watching The Hills. I know, I know, please don’t judge me too much. I have loved it though, the drama is unreal. And it has been great, getting whisked off to the life of a twenty-something reality TV star in sunny California. However, the content of the show, as well as the effect it has on audiences (in this case a 20 year old, single girl) is bizarre. It is such an interesting reflection on what lies have infiltrated our society.

-What do I mean by this?

Well, largely that we should all aspire to be young, tanned, rich and famous. Also, I guess what I was particularly challenged by, was appearance. How much does our society flood us with images of what it is to be beautiful, sexy and desired? 

Recent research by the YMCA in the UK found that between 1/3 and 1/2 of girls have a fear of becoming fat and engage with dieting or binge eating. What is even more worrying, is the effect that this then has on our views of others. The research also found that over 1/2 of girls and 1/4 of boys think their peers have body image problems.

Since when did appearance, beyond being healthy and happy, become such a central part of how we view people? I get it, our attraction to others does in many respects depend on how they look. BUT hasn’t our ‘ideal’ person just been constructed, created by this sexualisation of the body and through the use of make-up, fake tan or clothes, to make us as appealing as possible? 

What really gets me, is the negativity. I have suffered with insecurity, much like many young women, particularly regarding body image. Watching series like The Hills does hit home that I may not have that ‘ideal’ bikini body, rockin hair or a gorgeous face. And sometimes that fuels my belief in such lies that I need to be each of those things to be truly attractive and desired. But has no one else watched Shallow Hal? My goodness, can we all get a grip and start realising that such material, outward ‘beauty’ is not a defining feature of who we are.

Attraction is heightened by character.

This is not to say that outward beauty is BAD. Yet it is our dissatisfaction in being who we are because we are not confident in how we look that is so wrong. It is our belief in thinking that we are not worthy of affection or attention because of our outward appearance, that is fundamentally false. Another film which I watched recently that is fantastic, is The Help (I realise I seem to be watching lots of films/TV these days…).  One of my favourite parts is where one of the ladies, the ‘help,’ is looking after a slightly rotund girl whose mother is frustrated because she is not a skinny bean (despite the girl being like 3 years old). Anyway, the ‘help’ says daily to the girl (and gets her to learn by heart)- ‘You is kind, You is smart, You is important.’ No mention of the words skinny, tanned, pretty etc.

—PREACH IT SISTER!

So what does this mean for us? Well for me, it means that I am going to start celebrating ‘imperfection’ (if you can even call it that). Of course I may not suddenly be ok with the little hang ups I’ve had about my image over the years. Yet, I don’t want my (future) children to be a part of any statistics where they feel depressed or worse, judged, because of the way they look. So, I am determined to not believe any such lies which tell me my hair isn’t bouncy enough or I must do everything in my power to be on the ‘flat belly diet’ because not being skinny, isn’t ‘sexy.’

For us collectively, as a society. My hope is that we challenge and reject societal depictions of what has become normalised as attractive or sexy. Instead, let us celebrate the way we have been made and not shy away or feel embarrassed by our perceived flaws. 

Phew- Just had to get that off my chest.

Have a great day!

Ooh, and for further enjoyment, check this clip out (gotta love a bit of Mean Girls):

Oh hey there.

Hello friends!

So after quite a long silence on my part, largely recovering from running the marathon as well as Uni getting in the way of me writing, I have decided to return to the blogosphere. 

I have been putting off beginning to blog again for some time, because I’ve been wondering if it’s not just all a bit too self indulgent (?!). Writing out my thoughts expecting them to be worthy of an online audience. Yet, for me writing is something I just love doing. I enjoy being able to process things out loud or in this case on a computer screen. So despite my previous anxieties, I kind of just thought ‘what the hey?!- quit over thinking and do what you enjoy.’

So, I persuaded myself. (easily done)

So I’m back (back again), and although this blog won’t be about training for a marathon, hopefully it will be something to share my thoughts on, the good, the bad and the crazy. It’s sleep time for me, but I’ll leave you with something I’ve been thinking about today. When you are in the house/flat alone what is the first thing you do?

This is what I do…