One for the girls and the introverts.

It's been a little while since I last blogged, largely because life suddenly got busy and also because if I'm honest this past couple of weeks felt like I'd done enough talking/rambling. 

Surfing in Cornwall with Boyd and Alex was ace, we had the absolute best time and I am so grateful for having such wonderful siblings who are hilarious. I'm pretty sure I have stronger "abs" because of them making me laugh until I cry.

Last week also saw some great catch ups with friends and a trip to Soul Survivor in Shepton Mallet, a great Hen Do and a yummy meal with some family friends.

As lovely as it was to spend time with everyone, I have a small confession. I don't know if you've heard of Myers Briggs or personality tests similar to it, but I did one on a leadership course once and came out with I/E, N, F, J.* 

I wouldn't say I'm a massive introvert, but I think the older I get the more I realise I need 'alone time.' Which is sometimes hard to justify, it's not that I don't enjoy spending time with friends and family. BUT, there comes a point when I just need to be alone to rejuvenate. I am so happy chilling out by myself, going for a walk, spending a morning watching rubbish TV, reading or dancing around to music.

After such a busy few weeks I REALLY needed to have alone time. Yet in my wisdom, I decided to do something which no one who a) needs alone time and b) has issues with personal space, should do.

I went bra shopping.

Apologies to any guys reading this who may not be able to relate, but maybe this will enlighten you to the ordeal that women have to go through for buying underwear.

Sunday saw me head off to Brent Cross in search of a couple new bras or as come might call them, pretty chest harnesses.

There is a lot that goes into a bra: cup size, chest size, lace, no lace, t-shirt bra, frilly bra, underwired, straps, strapless, colour, this list goes on... So you want to make sure that the one that you like fits you, and to do this, you sometimes need to get measured. You've got to check everything in the general chest area is in order. 

So this Sunday saw me standing pretty exposed in the changing room whilst some lady with uber cold hands measured, scrutinised my chest and gave me a long list of what I should be looking for in a bra.

Jeepers, how wrong can you go?

Anyway I know I shouldn't complain, but sometimes being 'slightly busty on top' can be a massive pain.

Why?

Busty women can back me up here, but not only do your bras end up feeling like impressive structures attached by a few hooks in order to ensure as little movement as possible, but being busty can be downright annoying...

• Running down stairs without a bra, hurts. The 'boob hold' is a must if this is to occur.

• Trampolining without a sports bra is a definite no go, unless you want to knock yourself out with your chest.
• Sleeping on your front, it just doesn't really work so well...

• Tops that are made for people with no bust, meaning you have to get a top that's two sizes bigger to fit your chest, which doesn't fit anywhere else. Sad times.
• Bikinis are like trying to navigate a minefield. Guaranteed the small triangles sold in shops like Topshop or Zara will leave very, very little to the imagination.

To be fair, on the bright side being curvy should also be celebrated. Having shape can definitely be a positive!

I should probably remind myself of that on days when I decide to go bra shopping. Whilst on Sunday I was close to leaving empty handed and deciding to instead try gaffa taping my chest (I know, it was a low point), today I am pleased I went through the bra ordeal and ended up with some great underwear.

 Oh and I am feeling pretty fabulous... because today I had the day to myself! 

Plans had been made, plans fell through, but the saving grace was having hours of alone time. I watched netflix, I took Benji for a walk, I chatted to Benji about life, I started reading 'The kite runner' (which is excellent by the way) and I feel WONDERFUL.

Here's to recharging the batteries, taking on 'bra women' in changing rooms and ending up happier for it!

Have a great week.

*Introvert/Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Judgement- interesting test, check it out.

Because I love him... or at least the idea of him.

I've noticed lately how much I say I 'love' that band, or 'love' her in that show... love, love, shmuv. 

But actually I don't LOVE either of these things, I mean, that's a pretty big emotion to attach to people I've never met! And if you turn to real life situations, I'm not so hot on the 'I love yous' to many people on a day to day basis. I was speaking to my friend Charli about it, because I have some great friends in Oxford or at home who after we say goodbye on the phone will say 'love you' or 'I love you' but it's weird for me because I just can't say it back. 

And I feel bad because instead I do the awkward, 'you too,' 'lots of love,' ' um, thanks, bye' or 'take care' instead. It's not because I don't care for you lots or maybe do even love you as a friend (just to clarify), but for me those three words are too often flung around and their meaning is constantly weakened by the increased frequency with which they're said. 

'I love you.'

That's a pretty big thing to say to someone in my opinion. And I do feel that way for some people, but I don't 'sign off' with it on the phone or in texts. I don't even say it to my family on the phone (to be fair, if I did it to my Pa, he'd probably just be like me- 'um, thanks?!').

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get at here, but I guess it's just trying to be more intentional in the language we use and a little apology from me if I haven't said 'love you too' or used the classic 'ily/luv u' (cringe) in a text!

 FYI- I'll probs say it to you or write it in a card to you if I really mean it.

Anyway, relating to the title of this blogpost, I've been picking up on a few things that I do LOVE at the moment...

1. John Mayer- well not him (ok, maybe the idea of him) but his music. I can't stop playing this at the moment.

2. My dog Benji. (As in for reals I am declaring actual love for him.)

He insisted on uploading a selfie and one where he looked like he was 'working out', apologies.

3. Road trips. Boyd, Alex and me are heading on a trip together this weekend to go surfing in Cornwall. Forever the three musketeers.

4. Nina. One of the 'girls.' She is coming back from spending 6 months in Australia on Friday and I can't wait! We'll all be reunited on Monday, the first time since February. I cannot wait!

We also recently realised we're all brunettes. It's weird, I have very few blonde friends...

So I'm not going to say 'love you all' or 'lots of love,' apart from you Nana (because I know you as my most avid reader), but I'll try and be less awkward with my sign offs.

For now though, a few of my favourites:

Keep it real!

Stay safe.

Peace out homie.

Live the dream!

Keep doing... what you're doing.

XOXO Gossip girl. 

“There are four kinds of people in the world, Ms. Harper. Those who build walls. Those who protect walls. Those who breach walls. And those who tear down walls. Much of life is discovering who you are.” - P.S. Baber, Cassie Draws the Universe

One of my best friends is living with me whilst she works in Chorleywood, which I am loving. 

Gemma/Gem is someone who is so easy to just hang out with and is also incredibly talented and smart. We both love The O.C  and have been watching a lot of it recently. Amongst the endless comments of how much we love Seth, Ryan is getting funnier and how Sandy Cohen is such a dude, something we both realised whilst watching it was how our own views about ourselves and other people have been shaped by the images we believe to be real. FYI, I forgot to mention that Gem is also incredibly creative and has a stunning voice, whilst she's here she is also working on producing an album, which is so exciting! 

So whilst she has channeled some of the stuff we have chatted about into her songwriting, I have been mulling it over and I guess now blogging about it...  

I spoke about this with one of my other good friends last week, and I am not sure if it's something that many people do or if it's just me, but I'm gonna put it out there anyway.

In life, I seem to enter situations where I am making friends or am thrown together in a community and unconsciously(ish) do not gravitate towards people who I think are uber cool, intimidatingly beautiful and perfectly symmetrical. 

Why? 

...because they seem to have it all 'together.' 

And if I'm honest I feel like they are too up there and groovin for me, they wouldn't want to be my friend, right? 

BUT ISN'T THAT CRAZY. As in who thinks like that?  

It's probably just my own insecurities, but when I get that vibe off of people, I just lose a bit of confidence and can't be fully myself with them. It's a fear of rejection I suppose.

And don't get me wrong, there are really cool people I am friends with. Yet even then, it often takes me a little while to get over there awesomeness and be myself around them. It is so bizarre when I stop to think about it, because if the situation were reversed I would hate people/my friends to think I was 'too cool' for them. And I'm sure my friends don't think that way at all!

I suppose in reality, we all have an outward appearance that may look 'together', but actually we are all a little messy. Well at least that is true in my life, and I guess that is a kind of protective barrier. If the past couple of weeks are anything to go by, my life is 100% crazy right now. It's a total mess and I'm quite disoriented because I am generally a 'fixer.' I like to be proactive and resolve things. Right now, I can do neither and it's pretty weird. 

Still, s'all good.

Huh?!

Because life is flipping messy. It can't remain stable and dandy all the time, it is forever changing and dynamic. You can't always understand people and being uncomfortable is sometimes a good thing. As my friend said to me, you have to find your own confidence in who you are, remain in it and keep pursuing getting to know people whatever shape/size/personality. If they don't accept encouragement and friendship, then so what? Move on. It reflects on them rather than you.

True that, my friend, true that.

Behind the façade that we have built up around ourselves, each of us has our own insecurities, qualms or grievances that only ourselves or a trusted few ever get to see. But I say (and I'm challenging myself in this too), let us not fear pursuing friendship with people because of their perhaps intimidating outward appearance. And if we ourselves have that protective barrier up, maybe it would be good to try a bit of vulnerability. Rejection hurts, but as much as self preservation may keep us from feeling pain, it can also prevent us from the possibility of great friendship and relationship with some pretty cool people. 

So in the light of being open with y'all, I am just letting you know that my life is messy right now, I am pretty weird, and definitely do not have it all together... I hope we can be friends.

I realise that was a pretty intense post, apologies. Here are some funnies to lighten the mood.

Oh and have a listen to this, I can't get over how good it is. Particularly enjoying the Bass bit. Cor.