Strong- in sickness and in health.

Hey there.

I'm writing this from bed, snuggled up because I'm ill. Sad times. In the past couple of days I've slept a crazy amount. And unfortunately, I get this recurring illness when I'm run down/sick - nothing awful, more just frustrating. And what I find so annoying is that I feel pretty useless and weak. Which is something I really dislike. 

I strive to be someone who is strong and independent. Much like Destiny's Child - Independent Women (you know you love it). It probably explains why I love artists like Beyonce, P!nk and Kelly Clarkson- their music just makes them seem so sassy and strong.

So feeling weak and not being able to go for a run, or do simple things like walk the dog, is frustrating. And I wonder, what is it that makes us strong? There are so many different ways to measure strength. Is it that you have conquered most of your fears, or that you fear less things? Is it being able to do everything on your own? Or being strong enough to let people in when you think you need help?

I think we can determine the definition of strength in relation to who we are. 

For me, I think it can entail knowing the things I'm afraid of...and doing them anyway (well as much as possible!) 

This evening I watched my Ma pick up a mahoosive spider in her bare hands and put it out the front door. I literally did not know what to do with myself. My mum the strongest woman I know, and not just because of her knack of dealing really well with creepy crawlies...

Yet as much as I try to be a strong, independent woman who is confident and courageous, sometimes I fail and sometimes I have to give in. Give in to being vulnerable, give in when my body says 'Chill out, take a nap!' And actually, that's ok too. I think being strong and independent isn't just about doing all things independently, it's about being able to accept that you can't do things all on your own. That actually you need a break sometimes. So although being ill sucks, it has also been kind of good in a way. I've been forced to switch off, and do nothing.

So until I get better I'll have to deal with lounging about at home (it's a hard life). But for a little inspiration, here's something I like to challenge myself with when I'm in 'independent/strong' mode:

No Comprendo Amigo

Hola.

Well the last couple of weeks have flown by, but at the same time been filled with so much I've found the days and nights have felt so long.Weird how that happens.

Last time I posted it was right before my 21st birthday and I was getting uber excited about my party with all my friends. Well, it was RAD.  I had such a great time, my family loved it- who knew my Ma had such moves. We even got Dad to dance, his love of Beyonce 'Single Ladies' was well and truly revealed by his continuous requests for it to be played, my brother danced to Apache-Jump on it* and Henry and I had 2/3 successful(ish) attempts at doing the dirty dancing lift. It was a magical evening, and I loved that I got to share it with such special, loving friends of mine too.

 

On Sunday, all the family came over for a BBQ which was ace. It's so good to have everyone together, Pa did a speech (He kept it short and sweet so luckily I didn't cry) and Ma baked 2 cakes. Cor.

Last Friday saw my first solo flight, and the drive down from Aberdeen with Boyd, my oldest brother, to bring him home to his new pad in Putney. We had such a great time, stopped off in the Lake District and then spent the rest of the weekend celebrating Dad and Alex's birthdays.

This week, has been a bit more of a breather for me... although still writing the flipping dissertation. The end is in sight, kind of.

Anyway, now that you're all caught up, I'll get to the main point of this post. I was on one of my daily walks with Benji this week and was thinking about how cool it would be if I could hear his thoughts or at least understand what he's thinking sometimes (I know, I know, too much) and it made me think. How many things in life do we just not understand? I've been struck lately by certain things which I just can't comprehend. Here's what I mean:

1. Procrastination. I understand that I'm trying to put something important off (statistics/ anything maths related), but at the same time I can't stop myself from watching youtube video after youtube video. Some days it will be behind the scenes videos, others it will be about puppies learning to walk down the stairs.The other day I spent half a day finding out about P!nk, downloaded her latest album, followed her on twitter and watched her on The Ellen Degeneres. FYI, I am a massive fan (again) and now know alot about her life, including her husband who manages to rock the whole covered in tattoos look. Dayuum.

I'm hoping that wasn't an overshare and that sometimes other people do similar things. Otherwise, oh well,  just go with it?

2. Goodbyes. I said goodbye to two of my close friends India (off to start Uni in Norwich) and Jess (on a year abroad to California!) this weekend. And what I find so frustrating about goodbyes is it never feels enough. I mean, you say what you say, hug, then you just go your separate ways.

 It's not a satisfying process. 

And the worst thing is when you are saying goodbye to people you are probably never going to see again. When we left Egypt, I remember that being the weirdest thing. Because normally when you say bye it's like 'I'll see you next week,' or 'See you at Christmas!' Not 'see you...well, see where life takes us, maybe we can email?'

(It was the days before facebook and skype, our computer still had a dial up tone. Good times.)

3. 'One Born Every Minute' (OBEM). This is a more recent thing I totally do not get. For some reason, lots of girls I know, really enjoy watching this show. Some even feel drawn into a career in medicine because of what they watch. So, I sat down with some friends and tried to watch it. Oh my. I'm not sure what everyone else is watching, but they must not be seeing what I saw...

First off, why are we watching women react to a lot of pain? Secondly, why would you want someone filming that? The close up images are not flattering, for anyone. Not even the baby.

Now, I realise I'm quite biased in this largely because I'm not really the baby 'cooing' type.

I do get that the tiny humans are cute. 

But maybe because we haven't really had any babies in our family and I've never really held a baby,  I don't know, the whole thing kind of freaks me out. With lots of the girls I know getting broody after watching OBEM, I'm concerned. After watching that show, having a baby gives me the heebiejeebies. I'm not sure I have the hips for that stuff, I was not blessed with childbearing hips. Watching someone give birth, scream, cry, or sit in what looks like a glorified paddling pool, but is actually a birthing pool surely makes you want to cross your legs and celebrate being single and being allowed pour yourself a glass of wine. Not create a desire to quickly find a man, any man, get hitched and sleep with the babymaker quilt on, am I right?!

Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's not that I don't want kids altogether, it's just... can we maybe chill the beans on the whole baby thing? I'm 21, I am still celebrating every time I manage to parallel park or get a good offer on greek yoghurt from Sainsburys. Maybe, ladies, young single ladies, we should curb the enthusiasm? Enjoy being young and independent?! If not, how about a puppy first? I'm all for that.

Well, there you go. Three things I currently am grappling with and can't really understand. 

Next week I am shifting most of my stuff back to Oxford, and getting stuck in again. Today I popped into London, went shopping with Boyd and found a great place to eat in Soho. London is pretty much one of my favourite places. 

Until next time, I'll leave you with this. Sounds morbid, but a great song. 

Wish I was dead part 2. - Shout out Louds

* The reason it's hilarious my brother dances to this song, is that one time when we were away skiing, he was singing and doing the dance as he waited for the lift to reach our floor (we were just joining him from our rooms) and inbetween hip thrusts the lift doors opened and a small, innocent swiss family looked on in horror as he slowly turned around whilst 'lassooing' to face them. I am gutted that I didn't get there in time to witness it. But LOVE that my brother is that weird. And will forever make him do the dance

Same Love. Let me get on my soap box.

Hey you, long time no see.

This week I have been really busy... getting excited about my 21st birthday! My Ma and Pa have been massively generous in letting me have a big party this Friday with all my closest friends to celebrate, which is wonderful - such JOY.

So I've been doing some fun jobs, one (my favourite) includes putting together a 'birthday beatz' playlist, basically getting some grooving, dancin' tunes together. 

Some of my favourites include JT (Justin Timberlake), a bit of Whitney, Katy Perry, Rudimental and of course, Macklemore &Ryan Lewis -Thrift shop.  Hopefully people will enjoy some 'sick beatz'*

Whilst I was browsing the itunes store looking for inspiration, I stumbled across some more Macklemore songs. One of which is called 'Same Love' and features a singer/songwriter named Mary Lambert. And I don't know about you, but I love the way music through either great lyrics, instrumental skill or the whole arrangement can really affect you. 

This song makes a statement about the issue of equality in relation to homosexuality, particularly Gay marriage. I know, this is pretty intense stuff to get into a blog about. But I want to say something.

I am a Christian. And when people know that about you, they often assume three/four things:

1. I want to convert you all now, right now, on this webpage. For reals.
2. I am teetotal.
3. I don't believe in sex before marriage, and therefore judge everyone who does it.
4. I am homophobic.

To clarify, none of the above are true.

To set the record straight. I am a Christian and I believe in a God who loves us. I believe He loves us so much that he sent his only son to die for us on a cross to take away our 'sins' (I dislike using that 'churchy' word, basically I mean our mistakes/faults/screw ups etc.). This act of love was so that we could have freedom and have a relationship with him. We are called children of God. 

1. I believe that, and I try and live out my faith each day. BUT I do not want to shove that down your throat and tell you that you are wrong or evil for not believing the same as me. Everyone makes their own decisions in life, who they look up to and what they believe. If you want to chat Christianity and Jesus, then I'm all ears. If you don't, s'all good. Faith is a choice, your own choice, not mine. 

2. Haha. I love to drink. Jesus' first public miracle was at a Wedding in Cana in which he turned water into wine, because they had run out. And not just the cheap stuff because everyone was drunk and wouldn't notice the difference, but the good wine- I'm talking something like Pinot Noir or Merlot. That's right. And so no, I am not teetotal. This doesn't mean I enjoy getting blindingly drunk, I do try actively not to, although sometimes this has failed... Basically, I'm still down with drinking and I still believe Jesus loves me.

3. For me, I have friends who waited until marriage and friends who have had sex before marriage, in both cases some have been Christian and some haven't. Either way, I do not hold any judgement over anyone who does. Just because my personal decisions may be different to society's norm or other people's choices, does not in any way give me an authority to judge theirs. And I don't. I also believe that God forgives and loves us wholly. Sex is a very personal action and should remain personal to the two people involved. I realise that Churches often hold strong views on this, and I do agree to live a certain way for myself. But I stress, that is my decision. 

4. The main point of this blog. I firstly want to say sorry...

I'm sorry for the impression given that 'God hates Gays'

I'm sorry that Churches have made people who are homosexual or Bi  feel unwelcome and judged.

I'm sorry that there is an idea that all Christians are against homosexuality (bisexuality etc.)

I'm sorry that loving, normal people have felt excluded and hurt by the church.

I have a few close friends who are Gay, Bi or Lesbian- again some are Christian, some aren't. And I do not love any of them less because of it, or consider it when being friends with them, or judge them and their actions. 

To me, I try to follow what is written in the Bible and what I believe to be true. I recognise that the Bible was written a long time ago, and that society has changed. On a side note, I do think that in some ways our generation wants to be so 'free' and have the 'right' to do whatever they please that our standards have changed and we have become a culture where advertising and attraction revolve constantly around the sexualisation of people and products. But, in any case our society is different to the society in which the Bible was first written. And so I try to put the Bible into context without compromising the important values and messages it reveals. 

What I do hold to is something that is written in Mark's gospel...(it is Jesus' answer in response to a question of 'which commandment is the most important of all?) 

“The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’  The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.

Mark 12:29-31

So the way I look at it, this God of love, loves us with more than we can ever know. And asks of us to love him back and love our neighbours. This includes those in our immediate proximity, and those who are our worldly neighbours in far off places. This includes people of the same or different: creed/faith, colour, gender, sexual persuasion, height, weight, income, nationality, and so on. Christianity has a guidebook as such (the Bible), but it must not be forgotten that it is also completely about relationship. And like most relationships, you can't just rely on a guidebook to dating or 'relationships for dummies'. That is not to discount the importance of the Bible and its teachings, but to stress that Christianity is more than scripture. It is about a present, living relationship to. A living God who dotes on his children and does not have 'favourites' or only cares for those who follow his laws. He seeks out his children. Just as Jesus was friends with prostitutes and the hated tax collectors, I think that Christians should hold to loving people as Jesus loves us- irrespective of how different they are to us.

I do not believe that homosexuals are abnormal and it makes me sad that (in my eyes) the Church has got it wrong in the past (and present). The Church represents the body of Christ, i.e. the people who call themselves followers of Christ. In essence that means I am part of the Church. So as part of the Church, I want to apologise, but I also want to challenge its members. I have found in my own life Church was always a place of comfort and warmth. It was a place I could be myself, feel loved and feel appreciated.

 And so I fully believe that it should stand for inclusivity not exclusivity.

I think that what is preached- that the poor, hungry, oppressed, ostracised or lonely may find shelter and comfort within its doors- may become a reality. Where love, hope, peace and joy reign. 

Is this idealistic? Maybe so. Yet, surely it is in striving for the ideals rather than remaining steeped in cynicism and 'real' expectations, that it is possible to achieve a better reality? 

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among stars" 

I am in no way a theological scholar, but I care about relationships and I care about people. I believe that Jesus does to. I hope and pray for a world in which people won't feel judged and excluded from the Church or indeed by any other faith. I don't have all the answers, and my opinions have changed as I have grown up. But this is where I'm at....that's my two cents.

Listen to Same Love, I think it's great. As you can probably tell, it has encouraged me to take a stance of wholly loving and appreciating individuals who have felt discriminated or second rate just because of who they are and who they may love.

*I can't really pull off saying 'sick beatz', still I gave it a shot.