I wish we still played with yo-yos

Do you remember that phase when you were younger when everyone was obsessed with yo-yos? I was in year 3/4 and we absolutely loved it at school, my brother and I used to practice at home (Alex don't deny that, you know we did).

But sadly, one day too many 'round-the-worlds' ended up with a few girls visiting the school nurse, ensuring that our favourite hobby was soon banned. It was gutting, if only we'd stuck to just 'walking the dog' no one would have got hurt.

I've been feeling like things in life have been a bit 'yoyo-ey' at the moment (yes I just created a word).

There have been some real joys:

• I've been lucky to enjoy some great achievements like conquering a fear of singing in front of people, heading along to St Aldate's worship band recruitment night and being fortunate to be asked to join the team!
• I've been challenged with and succeeded in giving several presentations or talks to do with academic work as well as Just Love. 
• Being on the student team and helping out Jules in the kitchen at church has been so much fun. 
• I've been so lucky to hang out with friends, old and new. I am so grateful for the group of friends who support me and love me, and are just hilarious. In a couple of weeks time we are going on a night out which promises to be wonderful.
• Last week Beks and Nina came to visit, what a lovely pair:

• And of course, a couple dreams came true in seeing John Mayer speak at the Oxford Union as well as see him perform his last UK concert in Wembley last weekend. Phenomenal.

Yet, a few 'downs' have also been around (Grr):

• The constant effort of trying to apply to graduate schemes and masters programmes, and not knowing where I am going to be next year or what I am going to be doing is flipping stressful!
• I also managed to crash into a man with my bike. He stepped out into the road without looking and I was going full pelt. Amazingly, he managed to stay standing (what a tank!) and was totally fine whilst I fell off and my poor bike (Jim) has had to be put to rest, all concave and unrideable. 
• I've not been sleeping so well, which is on and off, but I'm hoping my insomnia does not return!

(...and a few other bits that I won't go on moaning about!)

However, despite this range of good and bad, I have started to notice a real sense of peace in the day to day. It seems that the more hectic and confusing life seems to become, the more I am learning to deal with just 'living'. I think we can get so caught up in the 'doing' and the events or dramas that occupy our lives that we can be overwhelmed and overcome with everything. But we are called human beings, so surely in our very nature, aren't we sometimes meant to just 'be'?

I've been thinking about so many things I need to do/say/write/attend etc. but these past couple of days I've become so aware of actively choosing to be content. To accept that life is busy, it has its ups and downs, but sometimes for your own sanity you have to choose to cast your worries aside and find that constant sense of joy.

In light of my massive music-crush on John Mayer, it's probably appropriate to post this song. He said he wrote it when lots was going on in his life and every line he just wanted to speak over himself and declare. I loved that, and agree with him! Let's not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. (And yes, to all you lovable, nerdy christians I just stole that quote from the bible).

What have you done today?

We are told to show humility. To not act arrogantly, boast or become full of ourselves. And I can see how that makes sense. I find it irritating when people parade their talents and success, not giving a thought about anyone else.

Yet I constantly find that I can fall to the other extreme, not feeling worthy or good enough. Denying gifts and talents I have. Shunning compliments and trying to celebrate other people instead. It is my worst nightmare to make someone else feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, I'd rather feel it for them.

Does that even make sense?

But then, isn't that completely different from humility? By denying that we are good at something or being proud of what we have achieved, we are completely off balance and in a way, just as bad as people who are arrogant or vain. Right?

“Be careful not to mistake insecurity and inadequacy for humility! Humility has nothing to do with the insecure and inadequate! Just like arrogance has nothing to do with greatness!”

- C. JoyBell C.

Example:

I am incredibly keen for The Great British Bake Off (I flipping love baking).

Anyway, for those of you that watch it... stop for a minute from admiring Mary Berry's cracking jacket collection and admiring Paul Hollywood's hair (he wears it well, we've all thought it), and think about the contestants.

Ruby is one extreme, completely undervalues herself (or so it appears) cries all the time and thinks she is terrible despite doing very well most weeks.

On the other end of the scale we have Kimberley  (warning I've been shot down for thinking this about her and may be wrong, but go with it for now) she takes pride in what she does, explains all her baking steps as if she is on her own cooking show and frowns whenever the judges make a negative comment about her bake -for some reason that look drives me mental!

Where is the middle ground here?! 

From what I can understand it lies in a genuine acceptance of who you are. Actively trying to acknowledge what you are good at (having this affirmed by people you know and trust helps) and using those gifts for good, well as far as is possible. Not parading around about how fantastic you are, but accepting credit where credit is due. 

That is something I struggle a lot with. I have a love/hate relationship with compliments. How on Earth do you accept them the right way?! I always end up being awkward and just replying with 'yeh, you too...' which depending on the compliment often makes no sense at all.

I am in love (that's right, in LOVE) with Heather Small's voice. She is just, phoa. So naturally, M People's song 'Proud' comes to mind,  it totally rings true in this scenario. 

'What have you done today to make you feel proud?'

There is nothing wrong with being proud in what you have done. And remembering things that you are pleased with, looking on the bright side as well as acknowledging the negatives.

For instance, yesterday I did loads of admin and emails which I've been putting off for years (exaggeration, but close...), decided to join my friend Susie in going to Zumba classes starting next week (woo!) and I went for a run, first time in ages. I am feeling proud of those achievements!

On the other hand, I also bought the Miley Cyrus song 'Wrecking ball'- which I'm feeling less proud about... Unfortunately I seem to have a strange affection for the song and feel sad that she is going through a tough time and going a bit loony, poor Miley. C'est la vie. We can't win em all.

So I guess, in a round about way what I'm saying is let's challenge ourselves.  Start taking pride in who you are and what you do. Not overdoing it, but acknowledging each day/week/month what you feel proud to have done. I know I need to start accepting compliments and thriving in the knowledge that I am good at some things and stop doubting myself, maybe we can do this together? (I realise I have no idea who reads these so it could just be me by myself, but that's cool).

For your enjoyment:

Consider it, a small and selfish act of kindness.

Finally being back in Oxford properly for my final year brings with it a mixture of happiness, anxiety and expectation.

Settling back into Worcester and living in 'Canal' (third year accommodation in Jericho) has taken a bit of getting used to, not only because it is a flipping trek to Tesco but also a new awareness of insects... somehow ladybirds keep appearing in my room. I've counted five and I have no idea where they came from. At least they're not spiders or snakes *shudder* hey?!

Housing issues aside, I am suddenly much more aware that although I am definitely living in Oxford for the next year or so I have no idea about what is next. And that's a pretty scary thought. From someone who finds it easier to dream about life and imagine big things that I could do- particularly things that involve travelling- it's hard to stop myself dreaming my life away.

And I'm wondering, is there a danger in this dreaming? I mean, I think it's great to have ambitions and to 'dream big'. It frustrates me that we often don't hope/wish/expect more, challenge ourselves and the status quo. But, I'm noticing especially in my own life that sometimes all this dreaming, isn't helpful.

The romanticism surrounding what we fantasise for our own lives, has been developed through what we've grown up seeing. Countless films, novels, TV shows, instagram, twitter and blogs depict stories of people doing amazing jobs, travelling the world, meeting celebrities, falling in love, having the most perfect children and so on. And this can make your heart yearn for a similar, if not the same fairy tale life.

But in real life, often your situation dictates who you meet, where you can afford to live or manage to travel to. What job you can do depends on an ever extending list of expected qualifications: a bachelors degree (which has to at least be a 2:1), a Masters, a PhD, an internship, three years experience in 'the field.' Flipping eck. In reality decisions are complicated. 

It is rare that you will find your dream job, your dream house and suddenly fall in love with the man/woman of you dreams who you stumble across in a queue for coffee. 

But what about the people we see who seem to have it all?!

Well that's just it. Often they don't, what you see online, in TV and in fiction is a representation of reality. Everyone has to do their washing or sort out the dishwasher, decide what to eat for dinner, gets ill and has a bad hair/face day. It's just life. And life is always a bit messy.

So what am I really saying? 

I guess it's accepting that life incorporates a series of choices, some which may lead to a 'perfect' situation, others you may regret, others are a compromise. And most have to recognise some sense of reality. It's good to dream big, but it's also good to recognise that you may not get everything you dream of. 

And that's ok. Sometimes you have to live in the here and now. It's not really a grand revelation, I know. 

But it's kind of freeing isn't it?

Who knows where I'll be this time next year. And quite frankly, that does freak me out a little bit. I would love to say that I might be living somewhere in sunny California, studying for a Masters in conflict resolution, having study breaks surfing at the beach, somehow all of it funded. But in reality, that is most likely a pipe dream. Maybe one day I'll get there, but for now let's focus on reading the IPCC report for my lecture on Climate Change (such a geographer) and deciding on what to have for lunch. 

This is one of my favourite quotes from a book I'm reading: 

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

This week, let's be kind to ourselves. Take the pressure away from our big dreams, and think about today. Let's not strive for perfection in our future, but appreciate a sense of perfection and contentment in the present.