Bittersweet rejection

Dealing with rejection is a strange thing to have to tackle in life. You grow up being blasted with slogans of 'if you work hard enough you can be whatever you want to be.' We are given this ideal that we might be someone who could 'change the world'. And so our whole purpose becomes wrapped up in expectation. That to succeed, all you have to do is pay attention, buckle down and you can get there.

But rejection, can come hurtling in out of nowhere, a cruel curball in this process of persuading us to all become world-changers. You can't be this or that because you 'didn't meet the right requirements'/ 'there were too many people for such few places'/ fill in the blank.

And what do you do in the face of rejection? How do you move forward when you are told you are simply not good enough or the 'right person'?

I have faced different rejections in areas that I've not massively cared about or if I'm honest been that good in. There comes a point when you realise you aren't committed/good enough to become a competitive swimmer or a professional flautist or even a ballet dancer. And that's ok, we can't be great at everything we do. But for some reason I've always been relatively confident in my academic ability. And I know that is going to come off boastful, I realise it sounds kind of arrogant. But what I mean is, the nerdy geek thing- for some reason it comes naturally to me. And so I've believed people when they say 'oh that job, easy- you'll totally get it' etc. It seemed the appropriate path for me. Become a career woman, be great at what I do and make a difference in the world. Sure.

It's funny, a couple of days ago whilst chatting with some close friends I said something to the effect of:
'stuff the whole relationship thing, I can't be doing with all that. I'm going to get a job, become a career woman and be a great 'Aunty Jenny' to all your kids.'

I'd just been for an interview and thought I'd aced it. Job in the bag.

Turns out I hadn't. Of the different job applications I've done, I've been through several application process stages and in the end been rejected by pretty much all but of them. Wowzers, if my pride hadn't ever taken a bashing before, it certainly did now. And you know what, it felt like a massive kick in the teeth. Academics/ job stuff, that was my 'thing' - so now what!?

If I'm honest I just retreated and cried and freaked out. The whole extent of my future that I'd been slowly mapping out for myself revolved around staying in Oxford for another year, getting a great job, making good money and learning loads of transferable skills that I could then use for 'good' purposes. Now that 'dream' was shattered, my whole carefully plotted future was ruined.

I clearly did not overreact at all.

It's funny though, because looking back on my life, there are so many different twists and turns that have been carefully implemented so that I get to the right place at the right time. And it is only now, that I can pick myself up, that came from not getting what I thought I wanted for next year and see God's hand in it all*.

I was applying for a job for reasons I have never stood for. I wanted to get lots of money, in order to remain in the place I wanted to be and learn skills I thought I would need for the future. But getting shedloads of money has never been a massive motivation of mine. I'd rather be doing something I'm massively passionate about rather than something that allows me to gives me some sense of 'security', and allows me to consume a bit more of the unnecessary items I desire or already have.

And for me, I think God can sometimes be very clear in the plans he has for me. It just takes me a while to realise it. Plans with a future and a hope, plans that bring prosperity and happiness. And so despite the rejection and the sadness that came with maybe not being able to stay in Oxford for another year, was the amazing offer of a Masters course in London, in something I am passionate about learning.

The big guy upstairs seems to have a good understanding of who I am and what I'm passionate about even if sometimes I don't.

So yes, rejection sucks. In whatever form it takes, jobs, academics, relationships (bleurgh) and more. But for me, I believe there is always something to be learned from rejection. Whether like me, your pride in your capabilities needs to be taken down a few notches or your preconceptions and plans for your own life need adjusting, there is always that silver lining. I know optimism doesn't make it feel better in the moment, I have been pretty frustrated and upset the past few days (my poor family), but in time the successes that develop after the rejection, help it to make sense. I start to view the rejections more positively, that some things I can't control and others I need to loosen my grip on.

I can't control what people's perceptions of me are, I can't make a job description suit me, and I can't assume that just because I work hard and try to have good intentions it'll all work out. Life is flipping messy, and we have to take the good with the bad.

I've been watching Prison Break lately, flipping brilliant. Wentworth Miller is fantastic and I am personally gutted that he is actually 41 (Whaaaat?!) and is gay, sad times Jenny Miller had such a nice ring to it.  But what I really like about it is throughout the whole series, there are so many setbacks. Michael Scofield's life does not turn out the way he probably ever expected, but there are always options and he continously manages to figure out different strategies. Him and his brother always say 'keep the faith' which I love and totally agree with.

Sometimes we just have to keep the faith.

I stumbled across this song the other day and think it's great. It is a good thing to remember how different our plans were when we were younger to what they are now- life is constantly changing. Sometimes we need to loosen our grip and remember we can't control everything, well, at least I know I do.

*I realise that I mention God's plan for me. That is what I believe and feel has made or contributed to the changes in my life. No worries if you don't agree.

Things we never say.

I watched this video the other day:

I love how sassy and hilarious Kid President is, what a great motivator too

Although corn-dogs are horrific and should not be a thing.

Just as this video encourages us to say things more often, it's got me thinking more about the things we never really talk about or say.

And I wonder what it is that means we don't think it is appropriate  or relevant to speak about such things?

It seems to me that so much of our lives is spent trying to be 'ok.' To make sure you let people know that everything is ticking over ok, life is fine, let's move on. BUT how many times has someone said 'how are you?' and in reality you feel absolutely awful, but don't want to lump on them the bad stuff that is hanging over your head and in your mind?

What is the use of this 'happy front'? A protective defence or barrier?

In some ways I think it can be more destructive. 

It's tough but I think it's good to be honest and say when things aren't ok. Be open about it, isn't friendship meant to be a form of support and encouragement in many respects?

I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes it is important to say the things we think are irrelevant/ scary/ awkward, whatever. Maybe it's worth the vulnerability sometimes to just be open and say it (obviously to the right person FYI). Life is fleeting and we all too easily forget that. Call me crazy or too 'touchy feely' but I think words mean something, and to say what you really mean is a strength and shouldn't be brushed off as cheesy.

In the light of that, a few instances this week have almost been more than I could handle. Heartache, worry and fear have reared their ugly heads. But in some divine intervention, I've also been blessed with immense joy, hilarity and laughter. Kind actions and words, that could have gone unsaid have meant an awful lot. 

I am starting to believe that we should start saying the things our hearts tell us to, but our bargaining 'mind conversation' tell us not to. That it's too risky or too silly. I know I've missed out on many opportunities to say things. This week, I was completely floored by a situation and should have worked up the guts to say something  important to a friend in need, but I didn't and I completely regret not saying it in the moment.

I recently read this poem.  I can totally understand why people think love poems like this can be really cheesy and awkward sometimes. But for some reason I really like how intimate, raw and beautiful a poem like this is. I'll leave it to you to decide what you think.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- E. E. Cummings

Maybe this week, say something you don't normally say.  Actively appreciate people this week.

'I have a boyfriend.'

Say Whaaaaat?!

That's a lie, I don't. Well, it depends on how you say it I suppose. And, it illustrates a point.

Timing. 

Growing up you start to realise how careful you have to be when chatting about your friends of different gender. Long gone are the (slightly easier) days when fancying boys was just weird and most of our interactions at our school in Cairo* revolved around playing basketball together or going swimming. Where boy friends were just simply friends who were boys, nothing else.

Nowadays, you have to be a bit more tactful. Life would definitely be so much easier if I could just say, 'yep just hanging out with my girlfriends this morning and then my boyfriends this afternoon'. But, you just can't say that anymore. Time (and growing up) has changed things, boyfriends mean a whole other thing. Speaking about the other gender, you've got to cover all kinds of bases to ensure people know the relationship is platonic- 'Oh he's one of my guy friends /  friend who is a boy / one of the dudes / such a brotherly friend.'

I love this little girl's reaction:

Timing has never been my strong point.

I am always late to everything. I'm that friend. Say come for 8, and I'll be there at 8.30 if you're lucky. I'm the person that you never expect to be on time, and when I am it's often a fluke and I'm probably meant to also be somewhere else. I put it down to over-optimism and bad maths, I think I move faster than I actually can.

But although I am late to things, I often feel like my mind and body are moving really fast all of the time. For instance, recently I've noticed how my brain moves faster than my mouth and when I want to say something funny or succinct, it just doesn't work.

Does anyone else get that? Like I wish in a conversation I could just link my brain to yours. I would be so much more hilarious.

Timing is such a strange thing. When you take it apart, our world works according to timeslots. Small snapshots of days where we are meant to be at certain places, doing specific things and meeting various people. And how weird is it that timing can change everything?

A few of my girl (*space*) friends think I have an odd kind of curse (?) I'm not really sure what you'd call it. But essentially, every time I actually like a person or as they say 'have a major crush-on'... BAM that person then proceeds to go out with someone for the long-term, get engaged or married.

Case in point Ryan Gosling... oh Eva Mendes you lucky woman**.

Whatever, I'd like to think of it as a gift- it's nice to be a weird catalyst in the bringing together of 2 people. My friends think I need to pick different guys, what can you do?

And then I guess, the timing of meeting 'your person,' how odd is that. That this one time, in life you will meet someone who you like, who makes you laugh and you think is awesome AND that person will actually like you back and want to be in a relationship with you. How bizarre and amazing is that? A random couple of people meet and boom: sparks, romance, chocolate... ring.

Despite being late for everything, I am also someone who just wants things to happen fast. I'm not great at waiting around for other people, I just like to make things happen. Be proactive. But other people don't always work like that, and it totally boggles me how we each work and live at our own speed. I wonder if the people we naturally gravitate towards just live life at a similar speed setting to us? Hmm.

In that sense, are we ever really 'off' in our timing, or is it just that we haven't gotten into the same groove with people in the same 'time zone'?

We can worry so much about our timing and in so many different ways. Always trying to be on time, being impatient in wanting life to get a move on, or worry about missing the boat with different life opportunities. Relationships, jobs, living situations are all influenced by time.

How can we not worry about timing??? 

The funny thing is, you can't exactly change it. Unless you're Doctor Who or something (I don't even watch the show so I have no idea if he can actually do that...). Maybe it's just accepting that timing is one of those inevitabilities in life. Time/timing is not our own.

We just have to accept that sometimes we get it right, and sometimes we don't.

Sounds easy enough. I found this and it put a little perspective on things...

* Egypt and Venezuela were the only times I went to mixed schools with my brothers and so actually interacted with boys.

** apparently they may have broken up, there is hope yet.

Oh the Joy!

Today is the end of a string of fabulous evenings and delightful times spent with people who bring me so much JOY.

And I guess this post is just one of great thankfulness, I end this week feeling like I am in a lovely bubble of happiness. Who needs the stresses of final year work or grad scheme applications, hey?

It is to fall into a cycle of thinking about things you need to do, making lists, doing admin, trying to sort out life. But how refreshing is it to just stop, and shut it all off? Just appreciate and embrace doing things for the fun of it!

Flip, it's such a relief to have a life 'shake-it-out.'

So in the style of a '10 things I'm thankful for' post, I wanted to celebrate this week's joys:

1. Lami's 21st. What a babe. From the moment we met in year 7 when I couldn't pronounce your name to our biology classes with the 'minotaur,' you have always been one of my biggest encouragers and best of friends. I thoroughly enjoyed Wednesday evening, I can't believe it's been almost 10 years!

2. St Aldates' winter ball. Cor! A 1920s themed ball, with jazz music, great food and a lot of dancing. I cannot recommend an Aldates' ball enough.

3. Homemade pizza and chocolate mousse evening with some of the girls in college. Absolutely lush!

4. Morning walks with the one and only, Tim Moore. One of the happiest and liveliest people I know, such a pleasure to have him as a flatmate!! He is a 'go to' for fashion advice, let's me babble on about rubbish and take 'arty' photos of him (apologies, that makes me sound like such a creeper, but you get the gist).

5. A cheeky trip home to spend the day with the wonderful Julie Gwyther, aka Mama G. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this woman is. I will never get over how lucky I am to have such a loving, honest and generous Ma. It was a joy to spend the day with her. We went to the Garden Centre, I know- thrilling- but don't diss it until you've been to the Van Hage deli, checked out all of the christmas decorations and homeware. It's a real treat. (Sooo Chorleywood, darling)

6. Finding this online. So. Good.

7. Skyping JK/Krams in California where she is just living the dream. Great to catch up and hear all about her adventures abroad. Watch out for her people, she is going places. 

8. Getting tickets to Worcester Tercentenary Ball-  I am so excited for this! A fabulous evening of champagne, lush food and great music awaits us in summer 2014!!

9. Working in the kitchen and Jules sending me home with the crusts of some loaves of white bread. I realise this is a pretty unusual thing to be excited about, but I LOVE food and I absolutely love the crusts of bread. Thursday was a great day.

10. A night of dancing with some fabulous people. I've said it before and I'll say it again, dancing is one of my favourite things. We laughed, we pulled some great shapes and had so much fun. It is such a joy to have people in my life who make me laugh so much, and who are just simply great. I love it!

Is it possible to be too happy?

Anyway, enough gushing for this week. I've noticed I'm quite a keen and excited person for things, I'm wondering if people get weirded out by my enthusiasm... hmm oh well. They can get over it. 

Needless to say I am absolutely exhausted, I think all of my energy and any 'extrovertedness' I possess has been spent and now I need a night of netflix and tea wrapped up in bed. 

Here's to shaking it out and 'doing your thang'

It's time to get shaking, wiggling and thrusting.

The other day I watched this video:

It's incredibly powerful and an interesting message, but it's also pretty sad isn't it? To think that all this amazing technology at our fingertips which promises to connect us with individuals all over the globe, is the very thing that may contribute to our own feelings of loneliness.

If I'm honest, in a way the video kind of frustrates me, it seems like it touches on yet another possible label for our generation (16 to 20-somethings). And for some reason the collective descriptions for young people today seem to remain generally negative and constantly changing.

We've been labelled as 'Generation me,' individuals who are completely self-centred, concerned with bettering ourselves and forgetting that a world exists beyond our Iphones. Rizzle Kicks have suggested we are a 'Lost generation' where 'reality tv is morphine' and our attention is on every '#trend'.

Young people seen on the streets are described as 'yobs' or 'youths' with some kind of negative connotation attached to both of those words.

We're seen as unruly, wanting more from life than what our parents had, drinking, clubbing, taking drugs and all kinds of other things.

Technology has taken up so much of our time and head space, that there is no longer any room for reality.

And I realise, that it does pick up on truths about society, but it's also kind of disheartening isn't it?! 

In the film, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, there is is this quote:

And in a slightly construed way (bear with me) you can adapt that thought to our generation, and question it: 

Do we accept the labels we think we deserve?

I don't think we should. And I don't want to believe that we should be defeatist and accept this reality that is being perpetuated by the proposition that we are (and are becoming) a 'lonely generation'. 

So a small suggestion? Let's remember to get outside of our technology bubble and just be with people! (I realise it's kind of ironic me writing this on an internet blog, but what-cha gonna do?). 

It's cold and it's wet, BUT there is so much fun to be had if you make the time to go out and have fun.

I say this, because I've spent a long time this week inside reading over graduate scheme /Master's applications, reading about climate model processes (yawn) and feeling quite bored. Today, however,  the wonderful Alesha and I headed out to Zumba. AND IT WAS GOOD. It was REALLY good.

I definitely recommend it to everyone, there were indeed a load of girls and only some boys (ok, only two of them) but that should not put you off (male or female). If you've seen me trying to do a 'booty-shake' like Beyonce, you will know that there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

I even attempted body rolls. That's right. Hips like Shakira.

If you're in Oxford, come along to a Zumba class (I will happily join you), or wherever you are, make time to do some exercise, head out to a cafe or go to a social event. Chances are you'll surprise yourself with how much fun you have and guaranteed you will end up feeling less lonely and more like a normal (maybe slightly embarrassed, if you're doing the hip thrusting in Zumba) human being.

I wish we still played with yo-yos

Do you remember that phase when you were younger when everyone was obsessed with yo-yos? I was in year 3/4 and we absolutely loved it at school, my brother and I used to practice at home (Alex don't deny that, you know we did).

But sadly, one day too many 'round-the-worlds' ended up with a few girls visiting the school nurse, ensuring that our favourite hobby was soon banned. It was gutting, if only we'd stuck to just 'walking the dog' no one would have got hurt.

I've been feeling like things in life have been a bit 'yoyo-ey' at the moment (yes I just created a word).

There have been some real joys:

• I've been lucky to enjoy some great achievements like conquering a fear of singing in front of people, heading along to St Aldate's worship band recruitment night and being fortunate to be asked to join the team!
• I've been challenged with and succeeded in giving several presentations or talks to do with academic work as well as Just Love. 
• Being on the student team and helping out Jules in the kitchen at church has been so much fun. 
• I've been so lucky to hang out with friends, old and new. I am so grateful for the group of friends who support me and love me, and are just hilarious. In a couple of weeks time we are going on a night out which promises to be wonderful.
• Last week Beks and Nina came to visit, what a lovely pair:

• And of course, a couple dreams came true in seeing John Mayer speak at the Oxford Union as well as see him perform his last UK concert in Wembley last weekend. Phenomenal.

Yet, a few 'downs' have also been around (Grr):

• The constant effort of trying to apply to graduate schemes and masters programmes, and not knowing where I am going to be next year or what I am going to be doing is flipping stressful!
• I also managed to crash into a man with my bike. He stepped out into the road without looking and I was going full pelt. Amazingly, he managed to stay standing (what a tank!) and was totally fine whilst I fell off and my poor bike (Jim) has had to be put to rest, all concave and unrideable. 
• I've not been sleeping so well, which is on and off, but I'm hoping my insomnia does not return!

(...and a few other bits that I won't go on moaning about!)

However, despite this range of good and bad, I have started to notice a real sense of peace in the day to day. It seems that the more hectic and confusing life seems to become, the more I am learning to deal with just 'living'. I think we can get so caught up in the 'doing' and the events or dramas that occupy our lives that we can be overwhelmed and overcome with everything. But we are called human beings, so surely in our very nature, aren't we sometimes meant to just 'be'?

I've been thinking about so many things I need to do/say/write/attend etc. but these past couple of days I've become so aware of actively choosing to be content. To accept that life is busy, it has its ups and downs, but sometimes for your own sanity you have to choose to cast your worries aside and find that constant sense of joy.

In light of my massive music-crush on John Mayer, it's probably appropriate to post this song. He said he wrote it when lots was going on in his life and every line he just wanted to speak over himself and declare. I loved that, and agree with him! Let's not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. (And yes, to all you lovable, nerdy christians I just stole that quote from the bible).

What have you done today?

We are told to show humility. To not act arrogantly, boast or become full of ourselves. And I can see how that makes sense. I find it irritating when people parade their talents and success, not giving a thought about anyone else.

Yet I constantly find that I can fall to the other extreme, not feeling worthy or good enough. Denying gifts and talents I have. Shunning compliments and trying to celebrate other people instead. It is my worst nightmare to make someone else feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, I'd rather feel it for them.

Does that even make sense?

But then, isn't that completely different from humility? By denying that we are good at something or being proud of what we have achieved, we are completely off balance and in a way, just as bad as people who are arrogant or vain. Right?

“Be careful not to mistake insecurity and inadequacy for humility! Humility has nothing to do with the insecure and inadequate! Just like arrogance has nothing to do with greatness!”

- C. JoyBell C.

Example:

I am incredibly keen for The Great British Bake Off (I flipping love baking).

Anyway, for those of you that watch it... stop for a minute from admiring Mary Berry's cracking jacket collection and admiring Paul Hollywood's hair (he wears it well, we've all thought it), and think about the contestants.

Ruby is one extreme, completely undervalues herself (or so it appears) cries all the time and thinks she is terrible despite doing very well most weeks.

On the other end of the scale we have Kimberley  (warning I've been shot down for thinking this about her and may be wrong, but go with it for now) she takes pride in what she does, explains all her baking steps as if she is on her own cooking show and frowns whenever the judges make a negative comment about her bake -for some reason that look drives me mental!

Where is the middle ground here?! 

From what I can understand it lies in a genuine acceptance of who you are. Actively trying to acknowledge what you are good at (having this affirmed by people you know and trust helps) and using those gifts for good, well as far as is possible. Not parading around about how fantastic you are, but accepting credit where credit is due. 

That is something I struggle a lot with. I have a love/hate relationship with compliments. How on Earth do you accept them the right way?! I always end up being awkward and just replying with 'yeh, you too...' which depending on the compliment often makes no sense at all.

I am in love (that's right, in LOVE) with Heather Small's voice. She is just, phoa. So naturally, M People's song 'Proud' comes to mind,  it totally rings true in this scenario. 

'What have you done today to make you feel proud?'

There is nothing wrong with being proud in what you have done. And remembering things that you are pleased with, looking on the bright side as well as acknowledging the negatives.

For instance, yesterday I did loads of admin and emails which I've been putting off for years (exaggeration, but close...), decided to join my friend Susie in going to Zumba classes starting next week (woo!) and I went for a run, first time in ages. I am feeling proud of those achievements!

On the other hand, I also bought the Miley Cyrus song 'Wrecking ball'- which I'm feeling less proud about... Unfortunately I seem to have a strange affection for the song and feel sad that she is going through a tough time and going a bit loony, poor Miley. C'est la vie. We can't win em all.

So I guess, in a round about way what I'm saying is let's challenge ourselves.  Start taking pride in who you are and what you do. Not overdoing it, but acknowledging each day/week/month what you feel proud to have done. I know I need to start accepting compliments and thriving in the knowledge that I am good at some things and stop doubting myself, maybe we can do this together? (I realise I have no idea who reads these so it could just be me by myself, but that's cool).

For your enjoyment:

Consider it, a small and selfish act of kindness.

Finally being back in Oxford properly for my final year brings with it a mixture of happiness, anxiety and expectation.

Settling back into Worcester and living in 'Canal' (third year accommodation in Jericho) has taken a bit of getting used to, not only because it is a flipping trek to Tesco but also a new awareness of insects... somehow ladybirds keep appearing in my room. I've counted five and I have no idea where they came from. At least they're not spiders or snakes *shudder* hey?!

Housing issues aside, I am suddenly much more aware that although I am definitely living in Oxford for the next year or so I have no idea about what is next. And that's a pretty scary thought. From someone who finds it easier to dream about life and imagine big things that I could do- particularly things that involve travelling- it's hard to stop myself dreaming my life away.

And I'm wondering, is there a danger in this dreaming? I mean, I think it's great to have ambitions and to 'dream big'. It frustrates me that we often don't hope/wish/expect more, challenge ourselves and the status quo. But, I'm noticing especially in my own life that sometimes all this dreaming, isn't helpful.

The romanticism surrounding what we fantasise for our own lives, has been developed through what we've grown up seeing. Countless films, novels, TV shows, instagram, twitter and blogs depict stories of people doing amazing jobs, travelling the world, meeting celebrities, falling in love, having the most perfect children and so on. And this can make your heart yearn for a similar, if not the same fairy tale life.

But in real life, often your situation dictates who you meet, where you can afford to live or manage to travel to. What job you can do depends on an ever extending list of expected qualifications: a bachelors degree (which has to at least be a 2:1), a Masters, a PhD, an internship, three years experience in 'the field.' Flipping eck. In reality decisions are complicated. 

It is rare that you will find your dream job, your dream house and suddenly fall in love with the man/woman of you dreams who you stumble across in a queue for coffee. 

But what about the people we see who seem to have it all?!

Well that's just it. Often they don't, what you see online, in TV and in fiction is a representation of reality. Everyone has to do their washing or sort out the dishwasher, decide what to eat for dinner, gets ill and has a bad hair/face day. It's just life. And life is always a bit messy.

So what am I really saying? 

I guess it's accepting that life incorporates a series of choices, some which may lead to a 'perfect' situation, others you may regret, others are a compromise. And most have to recognise some sense of reality. It's good to dream big, but it's also good to recognise that you may not get everything you dream of. 

And that's ok. Sometimes you have to live in the here and now. It's not really a grand revelation, I know. 

But it's kind of freeing isn't it?

Who knows where I'll be this time next year. And quite frankly, that does freak me out a little bit. I would love to say that I might be living somewhere in sunny California, studying for a Masters in conflict resolution, having study breaks surfing at the beach, somehow all of it funded. But in reality, that is most likely a pipe dream. Maybe one day I'll get there, but for now let's focus on reading the IPCC report for my lecture on Climate Change (such a geographer) and deciding on what to have for lunch. 

This is one of my favourite quotes from a book I'm reading: 

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

This week, let's be kind to ourselves. Take the pressure away from our big dreams, and think about today. Let's not strive for perfection in our future, but appreciate a sense of perfection and contentment in the present.

Strong- in sickness and in health.

Hey there.

I'm writing this from bed, snuggled up because I'm ill. Sad times. In the past couple of days I've slept a crazy amount. And unfortunately, I get this recurring illness when I'm run down/sick - nothing awful, more just frustrating. And what I find so annoying is that I feel pretty useless and weak. Which is something I really dislike. 

I strive to be someone who is strong and independent. Much like Destiny's Child - Independent Women (you know you love it). It probably explains why I love artists like Beyonce, P!nk and Kelly Clarkson- their music just makes them seem so sassy and strong.

So feeling weak and not being able to go for a run, or do simple things like walk the dog, is frustrating. And I wonder, what is it that makes us strong? There are so many different ways to measure strength. Is it that you have conquered most of your fears, or that you fear less things? Is it being able to do everything on your own? Or being strong enough to let people in when you think you need help?

I think we can determine the definition of strength in relation to who we are. 

For me, I think it can entail knowing the things I'm afraid of...and doing them anyway (well as much as possible!) 

This evening I watched my Ma pick up a mahoosive spider in her bare hands and put it out the front door. I literally did not know what to do with myself. My mum the strongest woman I know, and not just because of her knack of dealing really well with creepy crawlies...

Yet as much as I try to be a strong, independent woman who is confident and courageous, sometimes I fail and sometimes I have to give in. Give in to being vulnerable, give in when my body says 'Chill out, take a nap!' And actually, that's ok too. I think being strong and independent isn't just about doing all things independently, it's about being able to accept that you can't do things all on your own. That actually you need a break sometimes. So although being ill sucks, it has also been kind of good in a way. I've been forced to switch off, and do nothing.

So until I get better I'll have to deal with lounging about at home (it's a hard life). But for a little inspiration, here's something I like to challenge myself with when I'm in 'independent/strong' mode:

No Comprendo Amigo

Hola.

Well the last couple of weeks have flown by, but at the same time been filled with so much I've found the days and nights have felt so long.Weird how that happens.

Last time I posted it was right before my 21st birthday and I was getting uber excited about my party with all my friends. Well, it was RAD.  I had such a great time, my family loved it- who knew my Ma had such moves. We even got Dad to dance, his love of Beyonce 'Single Ladies' was well and truly revealed by his continuous requests for it to be played, my brother danced to Apache-Jump on it* and Henry and I had 2/3 successful(ish) attempts at doing the dirty dancing lift. It was a magical evening, and I loved that I got to share it with such special, loving friends of mine too.

 

On Sunday, all the family came over for a BBQ which was ace. It's so good to have everyone together, Pa did a speech (He kept it short and sweet so luckily I didn't cry) and Ma baked 2 cakes. Cor.

Last Friday saw my first solo flight, and the drive down from Aberdeen with Boyd, my oldest brother, to bring him home to his new pad in Putney. We had such a great time, stopped off in the Lake District and then spent the rest of the weekend celebrating Dad and Alex's birthdays.

This week, has been a bit more of a breather for me... although still writing the flipping dissertation. The end is in sight, kind of.

Anyway, now that you're all caught up, I'll get to the main point of this post. I was on one of my daily walks with Benji this week and was thinking about how cool it would be if I could hear his thoughts or at least understand what he's thinking sometimes (I know, I know, too much) and it made me think. How many things in life do we just not understand? I've been struck lately by certain things which I just can't comprehend. Here's what I mean:

1. Procrastination. I understand that I'm trying to put something important off (statistics/ anything maths related), but at the same time I can't stop myself from watching youtube video after youtube video. Some days it will be behind the scenes videos, others it will be about puppies learning to walk down the stairs.The other day I spent half a day finding out about P!nk, downloaded her latest album, followed her on twitter and watched her on The Ellen Degeneres. FYI, I am a massive fan (again) and now know alot about her life, including her husband who manages to rock the whole covered in tattoos look. Dayuum.

I'm hoping that wasn't an overshare and that sometimes other people do similar things. Otherwise, oh well,  just go with it?

2. Goodbyes. I said goodbye to two of my close friends India (off to start Uni in Norwich) and Jess (on a year abroad to California!) this weekend. And what I find so frustrating about goodbyes is it never feels enough. I mean, you say what you say, hug, then you just go your separate ways.

 It's not a satisfying process. 

And the worst thing is when you are saying goodbye to people you are probably never going to see again. When we left Egypt, I remember that being the weirdest thing. Because normally when you say bye it's like 'I'll see you next week,' or 'See you at Christmas!' Not 'see you...well, see where life takes us, maybe we can email?'

(It was the days before facebook and skype, our computer still had a dial up tone. Good times.)

3. 'One Born Every Minute' (OBEM). This is a more recent thing I totally do not get. For some reason, lots of girls I know, really enjoy watching this show. Some even feel drawn into a career in medicine because of what they watch. So, I sat down with some friends and tried to watch it. Oh my. I'm not sure what everyone else is watching, but they must not be seeing what I saw...

First off, why are we watching women react to a lot of pain? Secondly, why would you want someone filming that? The close up images are not flattering, for anyone. Not even the baby.

Now, I realise I'm quite biased in this largely because I'm not really the baby 'cooing' type.

I do get that the tiny humans are cute. 

But maybe because we haven't really had any babies in our family and I've never really held a baby,  I don't know, the whole thing kind of freaks me out. With lots of the girls I know getting broody after watching OBEM, I'm concerned. After watching that show, having a baby gives me the heebiejeebies. I'm not sure I have the hips for that stuff, I was not blessed with childbearing hips. Watching someone give birth, scream, cry, or sit in what looks like a glorified paddling pool, but is actually a birthing pool surely makes you want to cross your legs and celebrate being single and being allowed pour yourself a glass of wine. Not create a desire to quickly find a man, any man, get hitched and sleep with the babymaker quilt on, am I right?!

Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's not that I don't want kids altogether, it's just... can we maybe chill the beans on the whole baby thing? I'm 21, I am still celebrating every time I manage to parallel park or get a good offer on greek yoghurt from Sainsburys. Maybe, ladies, young single ladies, we should curb the enthusiasm? Enjoy being young and independent?! If not, how about a puppy first? I'm all for that.

Well, there you go. Three things I currently am grappling with and can't really understand. 

Next week I am shifting most of my stuff back to Oxford, and getting stuck in again. Today I popped into London, went shopping with Boyd and found a great place to eat in Soho. London is pretty much one of my favourite places. 

Until next time, I'll leave you with this. Sounds morbid, but a great song. 

Wish I was dead part 2. - Shout out Louds

* The reason it's hilarious my brother dances to this song, is that one time when we were away skiing, he was singing and doing the dance as he waited for the lift to reach our floor (we were just joining him from our rooms) and inbetween hip thrusts the lift doors opened and a small, innocent swiss family looked on in horror as he slowly turned around whilst 'lassooing' to face them. I am gutted that I didn't get there in time to witness it. But LOVE that my brother is that weird. And will forever make him do the dance

Same Love. Let me get on my soap box.

Hey you, long time no see.

This week I have been really busy... getting excited about my 21st birthday! My Ma and Pa have been massively generous in letting me have a big party this Friday with all my closest friends to celebrate, which is wonderful - such JOY.

So I've been doing some fun jobs, one (my favourite) includes putting together a 'birthday beatz' playlist, basically getting some grooving, dancin' tunes together. 

Some of my favourites include JT (Justin Timberlake), a bit of Whitney, Katy Perry, Rudimental and of course, Macklemore &Ryan Lewis -Thrift shop.  Hopefully people will enjoy some 'sick beatz'*

Whilst I was browsing the itunes store looking for inspiration, I stumbled across some more Macklemore songs. One of which is called 'Same Love' and features a singer/songwriter named Mary Lambert. And I don't know about you, but I love the way music through either great lyrics, instrumental skill or the whole arrangement can really affect you. 

This song makes a statement about the issue of equality in relation to homosexuality, particularly Gay marriage. I know, this is pretty intense stuff to get into a blog about. But I want to say something.

I am a Christian. And when people know that about you, they often assume three/four things:

1. I want to convert you all now, right now, on this webpage. For reals.
2. I am teetotal.
3. I don't believe in sex before marriage, and therefore judge everyone who does it.
4. I am homophobic.

To clarify, none of the above are true.

To set the record straight. I am a Christian and I believe in a God who loves us. I believe He loves us so much that he sent his only son to die for us on a cross to take away our 'sins' (I dislike using that 'churchy' word, basically I mean our mistakes/faults/screw ups etc.). This act of love was so that we could have freedom and have a relationship with him. We are called children of God. 

1. I believe that, and I try and live out my faith each day. BUT I do not want to shove that down your throat and tell you that you are wrong or evil for not believing the same as me. Everyone makes their own decisions in life, who they look up to and what they believe. If you want to chat Christianity and Jesus, then I'm all ears. If you don't, s'all good. Faith is a choice, your own choice, not mine. 

2. Haha. I love to drink. Jesus' first public miracle was at a Wedding in Cana in which he turned water into wine, because they had run out. And not just the cheap stuff because everyone was drunk and wouldn't notice the difference, but the good wine- I'm talking something like Pinot Noir or Merlot. That's right. And so no, I am not teetotal. This doesn't mean I enjoy getting blindingly drunk, I do try actively not to, although sometimes this has failed... Basically, I'm still down with drinking and I still believe Jesus loves me.

3. For me, I have friends who waited until marriage and friends who have had sex before marriage, in both cases some have been Christian and some haven't. Either way, I do not hold any judgement over anyone who does. Just because my personal decisions may be different to society's norm or other people's choices, does not in any way give me an authority to judge theirs. And I don't. I also believe that God forgives and loves us wholly. Sex is a very personal action and should remain personal to the two people involved. I realise that Churches often hold strong views on this, and I do agree to live a certain way for myself. But I stress, that is my decision. 

4. The main point of this blog. I firstly want to say sorry...

I'm sorry for the impression given that 'God hates Gays'

I'm sorry that Churches have made people who are homosexual or Bi  feel unwelcome and judged.

I'm sorry that there is an idea that all Christians are against homosexuality (bisexuality etc.)

I'm sorry that loving, normal people have felt excluded and hurt by the church.

I have a few close friends who are Gay, Bi or Lesbian- again some are Christian, some aren't. And I do not love any of them less because of it, or consider it when being friends with them, or judge them and their actions. 

To me, I try to follow what is written in the Bible and what I believe to be true. I recognise that the Bible was written a long time ago, and that society has changed. On a side note, I do think that in some ways our generation wants to be so 'free' and have the 'right' to do whatever they please that our standards have changed and we have become a culture where advertising and attraction revolve constantly around the sexualisation of people and products. But, in any case our society is different to the society in which the Bible was first written. And so I try to put the Bible into context without compromising the important values and messages it reveals. 

What I do hold to is something that is written in Mark's gospel...(it is Jesus' answer in response to a question of 'which commandment is the most important of all?) 

“The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’  The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.

Mark 12:29-31

So the way I look at it, this God of love, loves us with more than we can ever know. And asks of us to love him back and love our neighbours. This includes those in our immediate proximity, and those who are our worldly neighbours in far off places. This includes people of the same or different: creed/faith, colour, gender, sexual persuasion, height, weight, income, nationality, and so on. Christianity has a guidebook as such (the Bible), but it must not be forgotten that it is also completely about relationship. And like most relationships, you can't just rely on a guidebook to dating or 'relationships for dummies'. That is not to discount the importance of the Bible and its teachings, but to stress that Christianity is more than scripture. It is about a present, living relationship to. A living God who dotes on his children and does not have 'favourites' or only cares for those who follow his laws. He seeks out his children. Just as Jesus was friends with prostitutes and the hated tax collectors, I think that Christians should hold to loving people as Jesus loves us- irrespective of how different they are to us.

I do not believe that homosexuals are abnormal and it makes me sad that (in my eyes) the Church has got it wrong in the past (and present). The Church represents the body of Christ, i.e. the people who call themselves followers of Christ. In essence that means I am part of the Church. So as part of the Church, I want to apologise, but I also want to challenge its members. I have found in my own life Church was always a place of comfort and warmth. It was a place I could be myself, feel loved and feel appreciated.

 And so I fully believe that it should stand for inclusivity not exclusivity.

I think that what is preached- that the poor, hungry, oppressed, ostracised or lonely may find shelter and comfort within its doors- may become a reality. Where love, hope, peace and joy reign. 

Is this idealistic? Maybe so. Yet, surely it is in striving for the ideals rather than remaining steeped in cynicism and 'real' expectations, that it is possible to achieve a better reality? 

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among stars" 

I am in no way a theological scholar, but I care about relationships and I care about people. I believe that Jesus does to. I hope and pray for a world in which people won't feel judged and excluded from the Church or indeed by any other faith. I don't have all the answers, and my opinions have changed as I have grown up. But this is where I'm at....that's my two cents.

Listen to Same Love, I think it's great. As you can probably tell, it has encouraged me to take a stance of wholly loving and appreciating individuals who have felt discriminated or second rate just because of who they are and who they may love.

*I can't really pull off saying 'sick beatz', still I gave it a shot.