'Resolve'

So I've been reading a bit of poetry lately...

Woah.Let’s just back up a second. I've always thought it sounds a bit 'ooh la la' when people say they read poetry, I think because I always imagine someone reading a book of poems out loud with a glass of scotch in one hand, sitting in a massive armchair, wearing a dressing gown.

…so I feel I need to contextualise this a bit for you.

I just got back from a lush week away in Portugal, spending quality time with the rents, playing golf, running on the beach, drinking wine and eating yum food. I relaxed to the max which was great and much needed.

However, coming home, the work I am doing for my dissertation has not magically disappeared, but somehow grown into a massive fun-eating beast. So Monday morning saw me hitting the books on pensions, staring at Microsoft Excel trying to figure out how it wants to work and starting data entry. 

Evidently, the stuff of dreams.

As is usual, I have decided to break up this slog with 'Netflix breathers' aka find a show on Netflix and commit until you've finished the entire episode list. (The Hills, Sons of Anarchy and *cringe* The Vampire Diaries have all been subjected to this). Currently, I am watching Being Erica , it's not the best TV (at all) but it passes the time. Anyway, the series is about this woman who is undergoing this kind of therapy where she can be transported back in time to particular regrets she has, and see what happens when she actively changes them. 

Regret has always been a haunting feeling for me. You know the sayings 'no regrets' or 'live in the moment'? They're all great to make you do something at a particular time, but in reality, sometimes we make decisions or act on impulses that totally lead to massive regrets later on in life. E.g. The summer of year 7 when I decided to use 'sun in' in my hair, going for the 'golden blonde' look and ending up a shade of ginger that suits no one. It lasted for about 10 months before my hair fully grew out. Fair, it is kind of funny now, but at the time it sucked.

I've been thinking about my other regrets lately, and if I'm honest have at points got a bit freaked out or felt down because of things I wish I'd done or said. I think my biggest regrets centre on two things: taking people for granted too much and not embracing challenges and fears more. I wish sometimes I'd have followed my gut or instincts. Made a choice to do something crazy or something I really loved, rather than feel confined and restricted to make a certain "acceptable" decision. 

Sometimes it feels like each 'life' choice you can make e.g.what degree, dissertation or job, massively limits the pathways that you can then take in the future.

I'm currently trying to choose whether to do a Masters or interview for a job that I've been asked to apply for or do something entirely different. Do I stay in Oxford? Do I move to London or go abroad? Which one will get me to where I want to be in 10 years? Where on Earth do I want to be in 10 years? - Crikey, a lot of decisions ay?!

And what is making me feel claustrophobic and unsure, is that I can't stand that feeling of regret. I don't want to make a bad decision (who does?!). So I've done a classic Jenny Gwyther move- acknowledge the issue, think about it, but do nothing. I know, great plan right?! 

What a wally. It never works.

But you know what? All of the regrets I have had, I do get over them (eventually). And yes I don't always forget them (being ginger was an eye opener), but you can't redo the past. 

Regret doesn't help you move forward. I am not getting anywhere. 

So, I've decided I need to embrace this head on. As of now, I commit to facing the hard decisions and making choices AND accepting the consequences. We'll see how that goes...

Oh, and the poetry? Ever heard of Ella Wheeler Wilcox? you might recognise her poem Solitude, it is brilliant. She's fast become my favourite poet after I did some googling on regret and found this poem 'resolve' below.

Enjoy.

RESOLVE

Build on resolve, and not upon regret,
The structure of thy future. Do not grope
Among the shadows of old sins, but let
Thine own soul’s light shine on the path of hope
And dissipate the darkness. Waste no tears
Upon the blotted record of lost years,
But turn the leaf, and smile, oh! smile, to see
The fair white pages that remain for thee.

Prate not of thy repentance. But believe
The spark divine dwells in thee: let it grow.
That which the unpreaching spirit can achieve,
The grand and all creative forces know;
They will assist and strengthen as the light
Lifts up the acorn to the oak-tree’s height.
Thou hast but to resolve, and lo! God’s whole
Great universe shall fortify thy soul. 

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox